MARRIAGE, DIVORCE AND RE-MARRIAGE
Introduction
Divorce and remarriage have now become populer not only in the societies who accept and practice them, but also in Christian communities throughout the world. These issues continue to be controversial topics emong Christian leaders and are still hotly debated; before an accepted solution to the problems could be suggested.
Divorce and remarriage are very complex problems, which are difficult to solve. These issues need very serious attention as well as a detailed investigation to determine the root of the problem(s) which cause(s) divorce and remarriage. To make an investigation, we should have God’s love, special skills and plenty of patience. Resolving the dilema of divorce and remarriage reguires some length of time and cannot be settled overnight.
If these matters are not handled wisely and properly, they could create new problems. Divorce and remarriage must be viewed in the light of the word of God. The definition of marriage must be understood and accepted by both partners before they commit themselves, so that they cannot run away from the reality of marriage. Actually, the main problem of divorce and remarriage is in marriage itself.
Changing social attitudes constitute onather cause of divorce and remarriage. Some changes in several social structures, which might have caused marriage to terminate are, pressures on family life due to unemployment and other financial problems; the emancipation of women; pattern of employment with both partners working at different shifts, etc.
The modern concept of marriage, for exemple in Indonesia, especially in the big cities, they confidently declare that monogamy is absolete. People refuse to glorify either traditional marriage or motherhood, and regard partners as equal, independent individuals who enjoy complete unfettered role reversibility. This concepthas changed the nature of marriage.
There are also many social practices, which strongly influence the nature of marriage; for example, homosexuality and lesbianism. The details of marriage, divorce and remarriage will be explained in this paper. The purpose of writing this paper is to find an acceptable solution to the problem of divorce and remarriage. Actually, the best solution is reconciliation, which is the desire of God who hates divorce (Mal. 2:16).
The biblical view of marriage should be the basis for solving the problems of divorce and remarriage other than the contemporary view, which is only used for comperative studies. The Biblical view is thus used in defining the problems and developing, in detailed steps, towards the problems’ remedy.
The aim to the study of marriage, divorce and remarriage is to understand, as fully as possible, the various problems of marriage, and try to find the best way out. In this way a man and women who plan to marry may have a clearer understanding of God’s divine plan, and this will encourage them to face all marital problems by surrendering their marriage totally to God. In this way, divorce and remarriage can be minimised, hopefully, as these option could be deleted and removed from the couple’s minds, since they have built a strong foundation for their marriage that is found in Christ.
A. THE DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE
There is several definition of marriage such as follows: The Grolier Internasional Dictionary defines marriage as “The legal union of a man and women as husband and wife”.1
Unger’s Bible Dictionary defines marriage as “…. A divine institution, designed to form a permanent union between a man and a women that they be helpful to one another”.2 Hodge defines marriage as “Union for life between one man and one woman”.3
The New Bible Dictionary defines marriage as “…. The state in which men and women can live together in sexual relationship with the approval of the social group”.4 Charles R Swindoll defines marriage as “…. A union domestic social, spiritual, physical. It is a fusion of two hearts, the union of two lives, the coming together of two tributaries, which, after being joined in marriage, will flow in the same channel, in the same direction… carrying the same burdens of responsibility and obligation”. 5
John Stott defines marriage as “…. an exclusife hetero-sexual covenant between one man and one women, ordained and sealed by God, preceded by a public leaving of parents, consumated in sexual union, issuing in a permanent mutually supportive partnership, and normally crowned by the gift of children”.6 John William defines marriage as “…. was instituted by God and is to be carefully cultivated and protected. It is both the purpose and fulfilment of our human sexuality and the proper context of family and happiness”.7
All the definitions which have been quoted above, states clearely what marriageis and the conditions which make it acceptable. Therefore, marriage can be formulated as ”a divine institution or union for life for two personalities, ordained and sealed by God, in a permanent union between a man and a women who live together in sexual relationship with the approval of society, for discharging the same responsibilities and obligations in togetherness and considerateness to achieve an enjoyable and happy life in all circumstances”.
B. THE BIBLICAL VIEW OF MARRIAGE
The Bible, both Old and New Testaments, has a complete record of marriage. Marriage is clearly stated and acceptable. God has placed marriage on a fundamental basis-marriage is God’s divine plan of uniting a man and a women as husband and wife.
Both Old and The New Testament agreed that marriage is God’s divine institution, pure and holy. God created man, male and female, in the image of himself; and by their increasing through marriage, enable them to dominate and rule the world. God’s intention in marriage is that a man and women as husband and wife are able to experience His great love and wonderful blessings through their union and sexual relationships. God called sexual human beings “very good” and undoubtedly wanted them to “multiply” and “enjoy” their bodies within the confined of His will.
OLD TESTAMENT
The Biblical view of marriage as discoursed will be limited mainly in Genesis chapter one and two, which contains the basic teachings of marriage. There are five principles of marriage such as follows:
(1) Marriage is a divine plan
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable from him”. (Gen. 2:18). God Mede the decision for making a helpmate for the man, without the men’s involment. God did not counsel the man, whether the man needs a helper or not; and if the man needs a helper, then what kind of helper or not; and if the man needs a helper, then what kind of helper he needs.
God Himself decided upon a plan for the man in His omniscience. He did not want the involvement and comment from the man who had been created by him. God did what He wanted to do. This is the evidence of his divine plan.
God was very honest and fair to Himself, He said, “it is not good for the man alone”. God knew the utmost need of the man, and he will give the man what is best. Then God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. The man was totally unconscious – he did not know what happened to him. While he was sleeping, God took out one of the man’s ribs, and close up the place with the flesh. He called ‘women’ because she had been taken out from the man; she was a helpmate, a companion for the man.
Marriage is God’s handwork. He planned, He enacted, and He united. Marriage is the first and the most beautiful and wonderful institution on this earth.
(2) Marriage is a meeting of self
God brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bonesand flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘women’, for she was taken out of man”. (Gen. 2:23).
Principally, marriage is a meeting AF self. As quoted above, they were from one, thus met, he literally married himself. This concept against divorce. As John Stott wrote, “Marriage is literally ‘indissoluble’ “. 8
Paul said, “In the same way husband ought to love their wifes as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it. (Eph. 5:28, 29).
The man said,”This is not bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh”. The man expresed hid joy, when he met his suitable helper. One of the duties of husband is to love his wife as he loves his own body. He must realise the existence of his wife as a suitable helper. As a wife, God has given her a very special skill, which can be used for complementing what is lacking in her husband, and also make them work complementary. A husband must tresure his wife, and places her in her rightful social and material position; so that by the presence of his wife, he is able to become more mature and perfect. This shows, that the philisophy of marriage is unigue and complicated; but in reality it is so simple and beatiful.
God has instituted marriage as the union of a man and a woman for life. Again, this concept is against the homosexualism and lesbianism views.
(3) Marriage is oneness and togetherness
God said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will became one flesh (Gen. 2:24). This verse contains three important words, “leave”, “be united” and “one flesh”. The first important word is “leave”. For this purpose of marriage the man will ‘leave’ his father and mother. In the word ‘leave’, it contains the responsibility of a man in making the decision to leave his parents based on his maturity. This making of his decision to leave his parents, is not influenced by others, not even his father or mother, but rather by God Himself who is the owner of marriage. The man used the freedom, which God has given to him, whether by choosing his mate, or by taking leave from his parents, and it is his due.
One of the duties of parents is to prepare a man or women for marriage by developing their maturity. The parents must realise that there children at some time or other have leave them and cleave to his wife or her husband. To leave is to separate from the parents according to the will of God. That means the parents must release them and promise that they will never interfere with the marriage which God has instituted. When the man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, no person on earth can separate this union, not even the father or mother.
The second word is to “cleave”. NIV uses the words “be united” which means, “be glued” or “be cemented”. Both husband and wife have been glued (cemented) to be one, where they can experience the spirit of oneness. Jesus said, “So they are no longer two, but one” (Mat. 19:6). Joyce Hugget wrote, “Sensitive of oneness accurs when both partners place their own needs alongside those of their spouse so that sets of needs can be met. Sensitive of oneness only accurs in couples who trust one another sufficiently to experiment with varying degress of togetherness and varying degress of time spent separately”.9 In the same tune William Barclay wrote, “The basis of marriage is togetherness, and the basis of togetherness is nothing than considerateness. If marriage is to succeed, the partners must always be thinking more of each other than of themselves”.10
The third words are “one flesh”. One flesh is the actualisation of marriage. Within the bonds of marriage, sex is the most intimate seal of commitment, a tender expression of total giving that binds two people together.11 There is no doubt that the unity mentioned here, “the two shall be one flesh”, while including physical union, means something much deeper than that. It also includes psychological bonding, in the case of a Christian marriage, spiritual fulfillment.12 As a matter of fact, when a man and women are united in marriage and live together in the fullness of that beatiful relationship, they seem to be fused into one.
Oneness and togetherness are the fruits of love; it can be clearly seen through the loves of married couples. The love of God, which has bound them, makes them able to live closely and mutually. Based on mutuality, they are able to create many good circumstances within their marriage, for example: They spend many hours relaxing together; they enrich their relationship through prayers together; they deepen their understanding of one another through communicating and listening.
(4) Marriage is openness and happiness
The Bible said, “The man and his wife both naked, and they felt no shame” (Gen. 2:25). This verse contains three aspects of lives, physically, psychologically and spiritually. The Jewish tern of marriage was kiddushin. Kiddushin meant that anything totally surrendered to God. This meant in marriage the husband was consecrated to the wife and vice versa.13 Theodore H. Epp wrote, “Since marriage is God-given and since it was instituted before sin entered into the world, it is based on the holiest percepts of God”.14
Marriage is the total union of two personalities and sex is a supremely important part of it.15 Sex is part of God’s creation, holy and pure. Sexes are the great gift of God for men and women. The relationship between a husband and a wife in this sinlessly perfect condition was as secret and holy as the relationship of the three persons of the Trinity.16 These are all about the physical needs.
Secendly, the openness and considerateness are the social and psychological needs of husband and wife. Chrisian marriage is, among other things, about companionship: social and psychological on oneness; enjoying doing things together in the principle of openness and considerateness. Courting couples and engaged couples do this automatically. They talk together, they walk together, they work together, have meals out together, watch television together, and etc.
Openness is a way tounderstand eachotherdeeply, and it is the bridge to considerateness. In this way both husband and wife are able to learn what their weaknesses and strengths are, thus enabling them to work closely and complementary. Husband and wife have to support each in the basis of love and patience.
Spiritually, husband and wife should walk hand in hand, as their promise to God that they will live together in all circumstances as long as their lives. Openness and considerateness are very important reguirements of the married couples, for growing in spiritual understandings, especially to marriage itself. Through marriage they are able to have a good fellowship with God, and use their marriage for worshiping God in beauty and holiness, which are able to bring them real happiness.
(5) Marriage is ordained and sealed by God
God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase the number….”17 Marriage is an adventure that begins at the altar and ends at a gravesite. In between there will be laughter and tears, anger and ecstacy.18 Marriage means constantly living together, ordained and sealed by God.19
The strong foundations of marriage is not laid on how impressive the preaching at the time of the blessing ordaination, or how big a wedding feast they have, but to their commitment to God, and also their honesty, maturity and mutuality.
Both husband and wife must realise that marriage is not a dream, it is raw reality. Marriage is not look-alike one episode of a fantastic drama which will and in within two hours, but it has been instituted by God in the Garden of Eden for a lifetime. For this reason, every one who intends to marry must build their marriage upon the unshaken foundation that is God himself. On this foundation, they are able to stand firmly, even though they have to face thousands of temptations. As Paul said in Philippians 4:13, “I have the strength to face all conditions by the power that Christ gives me” (GNB).
To understand and realise God’s blessing before committing to marriage is a good beginning for husband and wife, for starting their ‘unionness’ and oneness. How wonderful when they hear God’s voice, “please go with my sufficient blessing”. With this blessing the husband and wife start to go hand in hand along the path of marriage which is full of joyand tears, but they will walk slowly and firmly unto the and by the strengthand power of God.
NEW TESTAMENT
There is no new teaching of marriage in the New Testament. Both Jesus and Paul underlined the basic principles of marriage, which God had built in Genesis one and two.
Jesus’ teaching of marriage
Methew, Mark and Luke have clear records of what Jesus restated as marriage. Jesus confessed and agreed to all principles of marriage which God had built in Genesis one and two.
When Jesus answered the Pharisees’ question of divorce, He tried to reconstruct what God had stated in the very beginning of creation, specifically relating to God’s divine plan of marriage. Jesus did not want to add or subtract the perfect law of marriage; instead, he reminded and warned the Pharisees about it.
Jesus answers to Pharisees contained three basic principles AF marriage such as follows:
(1) Marriage is a divine plan
Jesus reminded the pharisees that the creator at the beginning made them male and female (Mat 19:4; Mark10: 6). the words “at the beginning” indicated to the time when God was creating the universe, which included the man and women and also marriage. The purpose of God in creating male and female is to unite them in the union of husband and wife. God gave them authority and power to rule over the world, by commanding them to be fruitful, filling the earthand subduing it.
After everything was made clear to them, then God blessed them. God ordained and sealed them, this was the evidence of the divine plan
(2) Marriage is oneness, togetherness and considerateness
Jesus said, “For this reasona man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one”.20 What Jesus said to Pharisees was underlining and stressing the word of God regarding the marriage, which God has built in the Old Testament. There is several important meaning in this verse, as follows:
a. The words “for this reason” are indicating to God’s divine purpose, marriage. If we refer to the main concept of God on marriage in Genesis 2:18-19, it can be understood that for the purpose of marriage God created man, male and female.
b. “A man will leave his father and mother” is the indication of parents’ responsibility on how to look after and give sufficient education to their children. The biggest responsibility of parents is to prepare their children to live in God who is able to give them maturity.
The word “leave” implies implicity “maturity”, “responsibility” and “accoundtiblity”. To leave is the action of a man who has sufficient provisions in spiritual, psychological and physical understanding of marriage, which is God’s divine plan. The result of maturity is the mutuality, which is the basis of oneness and togetherness.
c. … A man will leave his father and mother, cleave to his wife….” God’s purpose in this verse is very clear, that a man and women will unite in marriage. To cleave in Greek word is. The root word is “
“, Which means glue.21 God took the man out from his parents, and glued him to his wife. God, cemented to be one, so that they are able to experience the realisation of oneness and considerateness, glues the married couples. God glued a man and women in a lasting unity, which cannot be separated. “Be united” or “cemented,” indicates to the reality of unionness, which contains all aspect of life, spiritually, psychologically and physically.
d. “. The two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one”. The consequences of this statement are:
(1) Marriage is the total unity – the total unity means that marriage is not given for one act of life, however important that act may be, but for all.22
(2) Marriage is the total union of two personalites; two people can exist together in a variety of ways.23
(3) Marriage must be a place of shering in all circumstances of life.
(4) Marriage is oneness and happiness
(5) Marriage is togetherness and considerateness.
For this point William Barcley gave a very important comment, “Marriage should not narrow life, it should complete it. FO both new partners it must bring a new fulness, a new satisfaction, a new contentment into life. It is the union of two personalities in which the two complete each other. That does not mean that adjusment, and even sacrifices, have not to be made; but it does mean that the final relationship is fuller, more joyous, more satisfying than any life in singleness could be”
(3) Marriage is permanence
What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder (KJV) God Himself instituted the relation between husband and wife in the state of innocence. Though marriage be not peculiar to the church, but common to the world, yet, being stamped with a divine institution, and here ratified by our Lord Jesus, it ought to be managed after o godly sort, and sanctified by the word of God and prayer.24
Marriage is therefore indeed “an honorable”. Therefore. Let not man separate what God has joined together. The indissolubility of marriage is stated by Jesus in a very forceful manner. The word “therefore” or “for this reason” shows that he is summering the divine revelation concerning the marriage bond.25
Marriage has always been viewed as instituted by God and for life. Believers are to marry only in the lord.26 Another approach to marriage looks at marriage in terms of a covenant. It sees the heart or essence of marrige as being the vows. A couple promises one another and God to join lives until separated by death. The vows are made without qualification or conditions. The ideal approach to marriage is reflected in this view.27
Let’s note to the word “joined together”. Literally meaning of Greek is “to yoke together”. According to Christ’s teaching, then, husband and wife form a team. They work, plan, pray, play, pull, etc. For a man to separate that which God has yoked or joined together means arrogantly to deft an act of God.28
In principle, marriage is a lifelong union, what John Murray called ‘originally and ideally indissoluble’29 and divorce is a breach of covenant, an act of ‘treachery’, which God says he ‘hates’ (Mal. 2:16).
The New King James Version uses the word “divide”, NIV “separate” and King James Version “put asunder”. Marriage is the perfect creation of God, holy and noble. Jesus said, don’t put into separate parts or pieces.30 Jesus means don’t cut the beatiful perfect marriage into separate parts or pieces. No one has been given the authority by God to separate a holy marriage, not even their fathers or mothers. Husband and wife, being joined together by the ordinance of God, are not to be put asunder by any ordinance of man.31 Marriage is permanent.
Paul’s teaching of Marriage
Paul did not set up new concepts of marriage, what Paul did only reinforces God’s principle of marriage. There are four significant penetrations of Paul’s teaching on marriage, as follows:
(1) Marriage is a meeting of self
If we read carefully, what Paul teaches in Ephesians 5:28-29 about marriage, it is only the reconstruction of the principle of marriage in Genesis 2:23. The man said, “This is now bone of May bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman’ for she was taken from man”.
This is the concept that God has given from the beginning, that marriage is a meeting of self. The man appreciates the women, because she was a part of him. He loves her very much as he loves himself. This is God’s desire that a man loves to help mate (meet) as he loves himself.
In the same way Paul said, “Husband ought to love their wives as their own bodies. Who loves his wife loves him. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it.
He wrote a letter to the Corinthian church, “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone, but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife (1 Cor. 7:3-4). It is the concept of oneness, togetherness and considerateness.
When a man and women have a plan to marry, they must learn this concept, if they agree and accept them; they can step further to marriage. If they apply this concept to their marriage, then they will achieve the best result, i.e., not only wife will submit her life to her husband, but they are able to love each other beautifully. Actually marriage is so simple, even though in reality marriage is very complex, but however, marriage is beatiful and joyful.
(2) How to define help mate (meet) or helper suitable
Paul said, “Don’t be yoked with unbelieves”.32 The words “are yoked” is the translation of the Greek work”. The meaning is to associate discordantly or to yoke up differently. Paul advises the Christians in the Corinthian church not to yoke with unbelievers, or in other words, Paul suggests that the Corinthians should not marry with unbeliever.
The words “be yoked” have the some meaning as “be tied” or “be united” or “cleaved” or “be glued”. As believers we must learn and surrender to God how to define our mate according to God’s divine plan. Hence, as believers we must learn to surrender our mortal wishing for a mate and instead look unto God for a mate of his choosing. This bonding will definitely be according to God’s divine plan as the spouse will be the perfect soul mate.
Jesus uses these words in Matthew 19:6 and Mark 10:9. Jesus said, “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder”. If we compare what Jesus said and Paul’s advice to the Christian in the Corinthian church, it can be said that Paul’s advice is in line with Jesus’ desire on the sacred bonding of marriage.
From the beginning Paul has reminded and warned the Christians in the Corinthian church not to “be yoked” with unbelievers, because if they have been joined together as husband and wife they cannot be put asunder, as it was contrary to God’s divine plan. As light and darkness cannot merge together as one, neither can a believer unite with an unbeliever without causing a rift.
The purpose of Paul in this verse is to advise believers to marry with believers. This is a very strong commandment of God. God seldom tolerates anyone who marries unbelievers. Even though there are many Christian who try to force I Corinthians 7:14 as the ground of mixing marriages between believers and unbelievers. They pretended to utilize this mixing of marriages for evangelism purposes and what is the result? Almost all of them who try to force the word of God for their lustful fulfillments have been run aground in their failure, for it is contrary to the will of God.
(3) The relationship between husband and wife
Paul has given a clear picture of the relationship between husband and wife as Christ and His church (Eph. 5:22-23). Christ is the head of the church. Thus, Paul is ready to suffer for the church as he loves the church, and has even died for this church.
He supplied everything for his church. Jesus gave Himself for this church; it is a true, bonding sacrifice. Now the question is, shall the husband, being the head of his wife sacrifice his life for her, before expecting the wife’s submission? The key of success within the marriage is sacrifice.
The picture of marriage has become clearer and it is breathtakingly beautiful. The interactions between husband and wife, is hence correlated to the picture of the relationship between Christ and His church. This mystery of marriage, which God created in the beginning of creation, has now become clear in Christ Jesus. Husband and wife have to maintain the holiness and nobleness of marriage.
(4) Sexual relationships within marriage
Gordon D. Fee translated I Corinthians 7:2-5 as follows:
Verse 2 -- Each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.
Verse 3 -- The husband should give to his wife her due, like wise the wife to her husband.
Verse 4 -- The wife does not have authority over her own body, like wise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but his wife does.
Verse 5 -- Stop defrauding one another (in this matter) unless perhaps by mutual consent for a set time in order that you may devote time to prayer and may be together again in order that Satan might not tempt you because of your incontinence.33
Paul elaborated on Verse 2, that “having one’s own spouse” means full, mutual sexual relations. The sentences emphasize two things:
a. -- that sexual relationship are a “due” within marriage (Verse 3), because
b. -- The body is not one’s free possession but belongs to one’s spouse (Verse 4).34
Although one can make sense of these two emphasis in traditional view (because of the temptation to immorality, marriage must be fully sexual), they are especially understandable if Paul is responding to the rejection of the marriage bed on the part of some.35
The language of obligation, literally “the payment of what is due”, implies that married couples are indebted to one another sexually.36 Therefore, one cannot deprive the other (Verse 5).
c. The contemporary view of marriage
Generally, we can agree as what John Stott has articulated in his introduction to a call for Christian leadership. He stated clearly and pragmatically, as such: 37
Globally, there are the tarrying build-up of nuclear arsenals, the widespread violations of human rights, the environmental and energy crises, North-South economic inequality.
Socially, there are the tragedy of long-term unemployment, the continuance of conflict in industrial relations, and the outbreaks of racial violence.
Morally, Christians are disturbed by the forces witch are undermining the stability of marriage and the family, the challenges to sexual mores and sexual roles, and scandal of what is virtually abortion on demand.
Spiritually, there are the spread of materialism and the corresponding loss of any sense of transcendent reality. Many people are warning us that the world is heading for disaster; few are offering us advice on how to avert it.
Technical know-how abounds, but wisdom is in short supply. People feel confused, bewildered, alienated. To borrow the metaphors of Jesus, we seem to be like “sheep without a shepherd”, while our leaders often appear to be ‘blind leaders of the blind’.
These are more of the sources of the change to attitudes and characters of man in the modern world. Colossal family-created tensions and competitions at work force them to develop an instant system for running their daily activities, the dreaded routine. They have tough modern management and how to accomplish everything according to the planning schedule, and they are urged to finish the program before the time limit. They have updated their philosophy to: The fastest one will get the advantages. The motto, ‘time is money’, has now become more populer among the youths.
These climates have influenced the nature of marriage. Youths today claim the freedom from all regulations. They regard Church order or, all regulations in the church, as bondage. They say that the Christian concept of marriage cannot be applied today and that it belongs to the ancients of past generations. The results of these are:
1. They practice free sex relationships.
2. They created a new model of marriage, the so-called ‘open-marriage’.
3. They need everything instantly. They comment that the pastoral premarital counseling is only wastage of time.
4. They treat divorce and remarriage as a common, everyday solution to an unsatisfactory union.
5. The unimaginable deaths of millions of babies through abortions because of these concepts.
6. The rapid emergence of homosexuals and lesbians in the community, owing to the lacing of social rules and regulations as society implemented free-sex to satisfy their lustful cravings.
Now, God’s nature of marriage is in danger. Both the West of the nature of marriage. For among Christian people too, marriages are no longer as stable as they used to be, and divorces era becoming almost mundane. Even some Christian leaders divorce their spouse and remarry, while retaining their position of Christen leadership. In this area also the Christian mind is showing signs of capitulating to secularism.
In Indonesia, in some churches, divorce and remarriage has also now become almost commonplace, while in some other churches divorce and remarriage have been serious problems. It seems to be a tendency that the church and couples will normally agree to divorce only as a last resort to solve their marriage problems.
There are our challenges today, whether we agree or not. Now the question is, what input and involvement should we give to save a marriage from divorce and remarriage?
There are some definitions of divorce as follows:
Webster’s Third New Internasional Dictionary defines divorce as “a legal dissolution in whole or impart of marriage relation by court or other body having competent authority” or “an absolute dissolution of a valid marriage made by decree of court for lawful cause arising after the marriage”.38
The Grolier Internasional Dictionary defines divorce as “the dissolution of a marriage by law, or in primitive societies, by established custom’.39
Unger’s Bible Dictionary defines divorce as “a legal separation between man and wife, by means of a formal process of some sort”. 40
There are some terms of divorce in the Old Testament as such: “Kristi” means a “cutting of” (Duet. 24:1,3; Is. 50:1; Jeer. 3:8), “salad” means “send away” (Jer. 3:1; Mal. 2:16), “garas” means “drive out” or “banish” (lev. 21:7,14; 22:13; Num. 30:9 and Ezk 44:22). 41
There are two terms of divorce in the New Testament as such: “apolyo” means “dismiss” or “send away” (Mat. 1:19; 5:31; 19:3,8; Mk. 10:2,11; Lk. 16:18), “aphiemi” means “send away” or ”leave” (1 Cor. 7:11-13).42
Both Biblical and secular terms of divorce, have the same meaning and understanding, i.e., “dissolution” or “separation”, whether the husband sends away his wife or the wife leaves her husband.
B. THE BIBLICAL VIEW OF DIVORCE
God’s original principle concerning the nature of marriage is laid down in Genesis 2:23, 24. Notice that divorce has no room in God’s program. When He instituted marriage, He did not provide divorce as the countermeasure in case the marriage did not turn out right.
As Theodore H. Epp mentioned, “Divorce came many years after marriage was instituted. In the Ten Commandments, which God gave to Moses, there was no mention of divorce. It was not in the direct will of God, but because of the hardness of the Israelites’ hearts, it was divorce permitted and tolerated”.43
Old Testament
(1). Mosaic Law of divorce
God permitted divorce during the time of the law. The grounds for divorce under the conditions stipulated in Deut. 24:1, is that the man has found in his wife’erwat debar’ which means ‘unclean thing’. The word ‘erwat’ in law. 23:24 it refer to human excrement.43
However, the words “unclean thing” in Deut. 24:1 cannot mean the adultery or sexual uncleanness off a spouse, because adultery was punishable with death.44 Since the result of adultery was the death punishment; then why did Moses when he was commanded to give a writing of divorcement, also mention clearly that after the wife got the letter of divorcement, she was permitted to marry with another man?. Can it be supposed that ‘erwat dabar’ must mean something less than adultery?45 If we read carefully Deut 24:1-4, then we are able to understand that divorce was permitted but not mandatory. If we compare what then we will understand that the grounds for divorce are due to the hardness of the Israelites’ hearts.
(2) Rabbinic interpretation of divorce
(a) The school of Shammai interpretation
The school of Shammai granted the validity of divorce on grounds of unchastity. Shammai’s exegesis transposed the words so he read dabar erwa (cf. Greek logos porneias) and argued accordingly that the only legitimate reason for divorce was adultery.46
(b) The school of Hillel interpretation
The school of Hillel allowed divorce for ill fame, violation of vows made publicly, childlessness, spoiling of food and the husband’s finding another woman more beautiful. 47 Hillel said the words ‘erwat dabar’ quite plainly meant “some unseemly thing” and argued accordingly that a man is licensed to divorce his wife for any “unseemly thing”, including burning the toast.48
What Moses said about divorce in Deut. 24:1-4, is very brief. From these verses appeared many interpretations, thus making the meaning of divorce unclear and unsure, and the results are that many husband divorce their wives or vice versa depending on their wills and whims. They force the words of God to accomplish their needs, mainly the usual sexual fulfillments. The women who have weak positions always become like a sacrifice a puppet; this is not the will of God.
New Testament
The ground for divorce in the New Testament can be found in Matthew 5:32; 19:9 and in I Corinthians 7: 10-15. Both Lord Jesus and Paul did not give long explanation, about divorce and its grounds. There are many interpretations to Jesus’ exception for divorce, because this exception is not found in the other two synoptic Gospels. It seems to be a contradiction.
(1) Yesus teaching of divorce
Matthew was writing his Gospel primarily with Jews in mind, and he recorded these statements of Jesus to give a proper interpretation of the Mosaic Law concerning divorce. The purpose of Jesus in mentioning the exception for divorce is to clarify the true meaning of Mosaic Law on various issues, especially the ground for divorce.49
In Jesus life time, there were many interpretations to the cause of divorce, like those made by the School of Hillel and Shamai. Actually, the Mosaic Law of divorce has become laxer; thus was evidenced by the question of the Pharisees to Jesus about divorce. Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? This question contained the Pharisees’ attitudes on how they kept Mosaic Law. In reality, the Pharisees had almost made the Law null and void.
Jesus’ answer to the Pharisees contained three significant statements:
(a) The hardness of hearts are the cause for divorce
Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because of your hearts which were hard” (Mat. 19:8). In Moses life time, he has always faced the bad attitudes of the Israelites. That happened not only once, as even Israel often opposed against God. Even though the people of Israel are know as the Nation of God, their actions often bespoke their tendency to think and behave as the Gentiles. They had bad characters and are an infamous stiff-necked people. Their hearts were hard. In regarding of divorce, although Moses did not agree, still they will continue to divorce. Moses did not totally sanction their divorce. In Duet. 24:1, Moses used the word “if”, that was clear that divorce was not mandatory. Divorce came out from the inner or willingness of man, which appeared in the manner of hardness of hearts.
(b) Fornication is the exception for divorce
I tell you that anyone who divorce his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery (Mat.19:9). Marital unfaithfulness is fornication. This is Jesus’ statement concerning divorce. The purpose of Jesus, statement is to clarify the real meaning of the cause to divorce which has been stated by Moses. Jesus was very well acquainted to the Pharisees’ interpretation of divorce. Jesus understood completely the interpretations to both the school of Shammai and Hillel about divorce. He intended to show to the Pharisees, that they had a wrong concept of divorce.
Fornication and adultery is contrasted. Fornication and adultery are not identical in meaning. Both refer to sexual sin, but as used in the Scriptures, ‘fornication’ refers to the sexual act before marriage and ‘adultery’ to illicit sexual relations after marriage.50 Under Mosaic Law, divorce was permitted only when the sin of fornication was involved. Both fornication and adultery were punishable by death. That means the grounds for divorce, is the sin which ultimately results in the death punishment.
(c) Divorce is the cause of adultery
Jesus said, “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for material unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorce woman commits adultery (Mat. 5:32). If we read this verse carefully, we will explicitly understand, that divorce is too complicated. Divorce is the worse choice. As Garry R. Collins wrote, “Divorce is painful – very painful”. 51 as A.D. Verhey wrote, “we must attempt to form dispositions that are ready not to divorce even when divorce is legally and culturally acceptable – even, indeed, when the rule Matthew, Paul, or subsequent Christian communities would permit divorce. God calls us to honor marriage and shun divorce. Divorce is always, therefore, an evil; it is never something to be intended as itself the and-in-view.52
(d) Mosaic Law of divorce applied only for Israel
Both Luke and Mark did not mention the exception of divorce, because their purpose was to the gentiles. The Gospels of Luke and mark were written for the Gentiles, who never used Mosaic Laws. The Mosaic Law of divorce is only for Israel. Moses’ permissive Law of divorce related only to the Israelites and not to Gentiles or to a church, which are not under the Mosaic Law.
(2) The Teaching of Paul
The teaching of Paul which we have to consider occurs in I Corinthians 7:10-16, and concerns in particular the so-called ‘Pauline privilege’:
(a) Paul is giving authoritative, apostolic instructions
In I Corinthians 7:10, Paul wrote, “To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband”. He continued with verse 12, “To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is a believer and she is willing to live with me, he must not divorce her”. There are many persons have misunderstood these statements. It is quite a mistake to imagine that he is setting Christ’s teaching and his own in opposition to each other, with the further implication that Christ’s has authority, whereas his has not.53
Both God’s command and Paul’s instruction regarding divorce have the same sense, that divorce is not mandatory. By the guidance of the Holy Spirit Paul gives apostolic instruction, that a wife must not separate from her husband and the husband must not divorce his wife. This instruction is in line with the principle of marriage.
(A) Paul agrees and support Jesus’ prohibition of divorce
What Paul has explained about marriage in Romans 7:1-3, is lasting marriage, that only death can separate it. If the husband or wife dies, then he or she is released from the law of marriage and is not an adulterer or adulteress even though he or she marries another woman or man. Paul also said, “Each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband” (I Corinthians 7; 2f). This statement indicates that Paul agrees and supports Jesus’ prohibition of divorce. Paul uses the work “separate” (I Corinthians 7:10) as in the translation from the Greek word “chorizo” which can be referred to divorce. But the context suggests that Paul is not referring to divorce.
(B) Paul permits divorce on grounds that the desertion was made by an unbelieving spouse.
Paul said, “But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God called us to live in peace” (I Corinthians 7:15). Paul spoke about mix marriage in I Corinthians 7:12-16, between believer and unbeliever. Paul commanded them not to divorce unbeliever wife or husband, if he or she is willing to live together in marriage. Paul’s statement in I Corinthians 7:15 seem like a contradiction with his statements in I Corinthians 7:12-14, which he agrees for divorce in the cause that the desertion was made by an unbelieving spouse. These verses have three presumptions as such:
a. Can be supposed that I Corinthians 7:12-16, do not relate to Christian marriage.
b. There is any possibility, that believer marry unbeliever, and after they are married for some time the unbeliever is willing to leave the believer.
c. Another possibility, that unbelievers married couples, because of Gospel’s preaching, one spouse to be a Christian, and one spouse still remained to be an unbeliever, and after some time he or she is willing to leave her husband or his wife.
The ‘Pauline privilege’ provides no basis, therefore, for divorce on the general ground of desertion; this is not a Christian option. This statement is the source of the notorious”Pauline privilege”, in which the text understood to mean that the believer is free to remarry.
C. THE RESULTS OF DIVORCE
Divorce is painful – very painful. It can thoroughly disrupt one’s life, routines, feelings of self-worth, and sense of security. It can affect people physically, psychologically and spiritually. It can lead to emotional upheaval, irrational decisions and interpersonal tensions. It affects the two people involved but its influence can extend to children, parents, other family members, fellow employs, friends, neighbors and people in the church.
There are some negative effects of divorce, such as follows:
1. Emotional effect
Divorce is accompanied by an almost endless range of emotions, including: anxiety, guilt, fear, sadness, depression, anger, bitterness and frustration. Often along with the distress, there is a sense of euphoria and relief but this sometimes stimulates more guilt. Most couples experience periods of indecision, confusion or vacillation and sometimes there is a hyper alertness, as if the person is waiting expectantly for something else to go wrong. The body, of course, cannot maintain a continuing state of tension and vigilance, so often psychosomatic illness results.
Divorce involves the loss of love and the death of a relationship. The divorce reaction, therefore, is a grief reaction with all of the emotions that grieving involves. And like all grief reaction, the pain seems greater at Christmas, thanksgiving, anniversaries and other special times of the year.
2. Behavioral Effects
Divorce not only affects how one feels; it influences what one does. Eating, paying the bill, solving daily problems, taking care of one’s property-these and other routine activities must continue; but they are continued without the help or influence of a mate. If there are children, the divorce person must adjust to becoming a single parent either living apart from the children, or with the children present in a one-present family. Preoccupied with these problems, one’s work often suffers. Quality and quantity decline, efficiency drops, and sometimes there is a high accident proneness.
3. Social Effects
Divorce involves people and whenever separation occurs, numerous persons are affected. These include:
(a) Family-children, parents and other relatives whose reaction range from shock, rejection and fear to support and encouragement;
(b) Allies-including personal friends, lawyers and supportive relatives who encourage but sometimes complicate the situation with their advices and opinions;
(c) Critics-(some of whom are in the church) who reject, condemn, blame and sometimes treat the divorce person judgmentally;
(d) Married friends-some of whom feels threatened and many of whom are not sure how to react in the presence of the newly divorce person;
(e) Other single people-many of whom are very understanding; some of whom are potential dating partners.
Divorce people often experience loneliness, insecurity, confusion whether they should date or remarry, and concern about identity or self-confidence. Most struggle with the issue of sex and self-control.
D. SOLUTIONS TO DIVORCE
Every one knows that divorce is painful. It is ultimately the worse choice. When a man and a women plan their marriage they never dream that divorce might be coming to their marriage. I believe, that every one long for a happy marriage. When they marry, they promised God, and also to each other, that they will maintain their marriage according to their vows. They both promised to walk hand in hand and will use their marriage as tools for worshiping God. Before they commit themselves to marriage, they have to realise all the problems that they will face in the future, which could bring them to a pathetic termination of marriage. They have agreed and supported that marriage is for life. From the beginning they have understood that divorce was a way out for facing the marriage problem. Divorce is very painful.
Out of the presumption and beyond the knowledge of the human being, presumably one day the thinking of divorce will come to disturb a man’s or a woman’s mind. I am confident that they still remember their vows, and am even able to repeat it word by word, but now the vows have lost their meanings. Now they live not as per normal, they are not able to laugh together, to relax together, work together, pray and worship together; the situations have turned upside down. It seems that the beginning of bitterness is just coming. Then, what next will happen?
When divorce is peeping in through the small hole in marriage that means the danger will immediately come, which need a serious attention to the couples who are involved. They need help to settle their problems and also they need the best solution for their marriage problems. The preventing of divorce is to build a stronger marriage, which must then be based on scriptural principles, and characterized by love, commitments and open communication.54
Let us assume, however, that a couple is contemplating divorce. How can this be prevented?
1. Counselling -- before a couple decides to separate they have a responsibility before God, to themselves and to their families to do whatever is possible to avoid divorce and build a fulfilling marriage. If both husband and wife are sincerely willing to work at resolving the conflicts and building a relationship, there is a very high possibility that divorce will be prevented.
2. Self-examination -- sometimes we must take a time for self-examination or self-evaluation. I myself agree that it is not easy to make a genuine self-evaluation, especially if someone is in a bad situation or is facing big problems. It is difficult to be realistic. However, we must always be mature and try to be frank to ourselves, when we make self-examinations. We need the Holy Spirit to guide and show the problems in our lives, and then we can frankly confess all our mistakes and sins to God in exchange for forgiveness. God will give clear minds, so that we are able to see clearly all our problems.
In the same way, the husband and wife must ask, “what am I doing which contributes to the problems in my marriage?” Each spouse must answer this question frankly, without judging each other, if they find the main problem of their marriage; they must bring this problem to the light of God. Try to be honest and confess to each other, and forgive each other. This is the Christian’s way of life. Based on love, mutuality and the principles of marriage, both husband and wife have to work hard to solve their marriage problems.
While they pray for the best solution to their marital problems, they have to concentrate on God’s divine purpose of marriage, and are both obligated ti give his or her best contributions for solving their problems which will then bring them to reconciliation.
3. Reconciliation service—Reconciliation service is a very hard job for both pastors and counselors. It take must time and attention. Reconciliation services are exhausted work for pastors. But reconciliation is the desire of God who hates divorce.
If in case both husband and wife have decided to divorce, it can only be permitted when the sins of adultery can be proved. Now then, is remarriage permitted by God? The detailed explanations will be enumerated in the third chapter of this paper.
Does the scripture allow remarriage? The question of remarriage is a difficult one, touching, as it does, upon matters the Biblical exegesis, moral judgment and pastoral psychology. Logically, if divorce is permissible, remarriage is permissible too.
Old Testament
There is no question to remarriage for husband and wives who plan to remarry because their spouses have died. The Bible speaks very clear about this matter.
In this passage we want to concentrate on the question, does the scripture permit remarriage for a divorced person? This exegetical question is closely related to the view that had been taken on divorce. Remarriage is presupposed in the Deuteronomy legislation (Deut. 24:1-4), although return to a first husband is forbidden in the one case of a woman also divorced by a second husband. Based on the Mosaic Law (Deut. 24:1-4), can be assumed, if divorce was admitted, automatically remarriage was permissible. Divorce is as look-alike as a legal way to remarriage, even though Moses did not recommend both divorce and remarriage.
Mosaic Law of divorce and remarriage were very brief. From these teachings may other interpretations have appeared? Some of the interpretations have violated the will of God. There are many men or women who have forcefully used these verses pertaining to remarriage only as a fulfilment of their human lusts, and it was exactly contrary with the heart of Mosaic Law and also contrary to the will of God. As divorce is permitted in the cause of fornication, then remarriage could also be admitted if the cause can be proved.
New Testament
Remarriage in the New Testament is implicit in Jesus’ teaching of divorce (Matt. 5: 31, 32; 19:9; Mark 1:11, 12) and also in Paul’s teaching (I Cor. 7:10-16).
Jesus said, “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery” (Matt. 19:9). He also said, “…. Except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to commit adultery, and anyone who marries a women so divorced commits adultery” (Matt. 5:32). The words” Except for marital unfaithfulness” (NIV means “except for sexual immorality” (NKJV) or “except it be for fornication” (KJV). Sexual immorality or fornication is the only cause of marriage termination. If the sin of fornication may be proved, then the innocent spouse can be permitted to remarry another person. Only a person who divorces his partner on the grounds of marital unfaithfulness is not adulterous in his remarriage.55 But a person who divorced his wife not on the grounds of fornication, and another person who marries this divorced woman will commit adultery and vice versa.
Jesus never recommended both divorce and remarriage. Remarriage has not been clearly stated yet, because Jesus knows that the Lord our God is consistent to his statement that He hates divorce.
The purpose of Jesus’ statement in Matt. 5:32; 19:9, is to remind the Pharisees what the real meaning of Mosaic Law of divorce was because the Pharisees have made the Mosaic Law null and void.
Paul’s teachings in I Cor. 7:10-15, is not related to the Christian marriage. The historical background of I Corinthians is totally different with the situation when Jesus made his statement to the Pharisees about divorce. Paul’s teachings of marriage and remarriage are very clear. He did not agree nor recommend divorce. Even he has contrasted a clear picture of marriage-marriage as the relationship of Christ and his church. Marriage is lasting as well as the relationship of Jesus and His Church. The life of Christ must be reflected in Christian marriages.
What Paul has taught in I Cor. 7:10-15 about marriage is very clear. His advices for mix marriages between believers and unbelievers. He advised them to stay as they are. Let not together in the marriage. Paul said,” But if an unbeliever leaves, circumstances; God has called us to live in peace”. In this verse Paul uses the word “if”, and then what does it mean? That means, Paul does not recommend divorce. Divorce is not mandatory. Therefore, it could be assumed, that remarriage is implicit in I Cor. 7:15. A believing man and women is not bound in such circumstances; and God has called us to live in peace. The aim of Paul’s statement is that both partners can live in the peace of God. It seems that remarriage is agreeable, but not as the instruction.
B. THE CHRISTIAN CONCEPT OF REMARRIAGE
(1) The case against remarriage
There are no grounds for divorce and remarriage
(a) Marriage was instituted at the very beginning of the history of the human race, when man was in the state of innocence. No reference was made to divorce.
(b) The Prophet Malachi (Mal. 2:14), the Lord Jess Christ (Mark 10:3-9) and the Apostle Paul (Eph. 5:31) all taught that marriage is permanent and does not allow for polygamy or for divorce and remarriage.
(c) Moses allowed the men of Israel to divorce, but this permission was extended to the Church. Christ continued this permission to divorce only for Jewish men who were not His disciples.
(d) Note carefully the wording of Matthew 19:6. “What (not whom) therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder”; and I Corinthians 7:11, “if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife”.
(e) Divorce is inconsistent with the command of Ephesians 5:23 that Christian men love their wives in the same way as Christ loves the Church.
(f) Divorce is inconsistent with the principle of Ephesians 5:28, “He that loves his wife, loves himself”.
(g) Divorce is inconsistence with the grace of God as applied to believers. Adultery is a terrible sin, but it is not unpardonable in God’s eyes-nor should it be I the eyes of believers. Christians are to be imitators of God in forgiveness (Eph. 4:32; 5:1).
(h) Whether or not remarriage should be blessed in Church has been a problem for some Church-men. How best to institutionalized the church’s double task in liturgy and the Church’s discipline-that of prophet, upholding God’s will for the permanence of marriage that of pastor proclaiming the gospel of grace and forgiveness is not an easy task.56
2. The case for remarriage
Many of the Church fathers believed that the three exceptive texts, Matthew 5:32; 19:9; I Corinthians 7:15, permitted remarriage.57
The Reformation theologians untimely rejected Rome’s no remarriage decree. Martin Luther abolished this “popish invention” And wrote, “But I marvel even more that the Romanists do not allow remarriage of a man separated from his by divorce but compel him to remain single. Christ permitted divorce in case of fornication and compelled no one to remain single; and Paul preferred us to marry rather then to burn, and seemed quite prepared to grant that a man may marry other women in place of the one he has repudiated”.58
John Wesley, teacher of logic and founder of the Methodist Church, wrote, “It is adultery for any man to marry again…. Unless that divorce has been for the cause of adultery; in that only case there is no scripture which forbids marrying again”. 59
Here is the testimony of Charles H. Spurgeon:
Marriage is for life, and cannot be loosed, except by the one great crime which severs its bond….. Women divorced for any cause but adultery, and marrying again, is committing adultery before God. Fornication makes the guilty person a fit subject for just and lawful divorce; for it is a virtual disannulling of the marriage bond. In the case of fornication, upon clear proof, the tie can be loosed. …. Person one married are in the sight of God, married for life, with the one exception of proven fornication.60
The Mennonite understanding of divorce and remarriage is more difficult to summaries, in 1527, two years after the beginning of the Anabaptism movement, a tract written by the Swiss Brethren spoke to the problem of divorce and remarriage. In part, it reads as follows:
Moses permitted divorce for trivial reasons but Jesus restored the original ordinance of God. Jesus permitted divorce for one reason – marital infidelity. A believer’s union with Christ is more precious than an early marriage to an unbeliever. If the believer has to choose between the obligations of marriage with a non-Christian and the obligation to do the will of God, it is the later obligation which must be recognized. Jesus permitted remarriage for only one reason, marital infidelity. When married people separate for any other consideration than adultery the subsequent marriage of either party is a violation of the law of God. If anyone has left his companion for reason of loyalty to God, they commit adultery if remarried and are excluded from church membership.
The statement of Menno Simons quoted earlier recognized adultery as the only ground for divorce and that believer was not under bondage if deserted by an unbeliever.61
J.C. Wanger gives the following summary concerning the view of the Mennonite Church toward the turn of the century regarding marriage and divorce:
It is thus evident that the prevailing view in the Mennonite Church in the latter decades of the nineteenth century was that marriage ought to be permanent. But where lives were broken by sin and people were divorce and remarried legally, and the Spirit of God then brought them to repentance and faith; our brotherhood then stretched out to them a welcoming hand and received them as members, in spite of the sins of the past. Our Church then followed the principle, whatever one’s state was when he was called of God, let him abide in that state (I Cor. 7:17, 20, 24).62
John Stott wrote clearly about divorce and remarriage. Divorce and remarriage are permissible (not mandatory) on two grounds. First, an innocent person may divorce his or her partner if the latter has been guilty of serious sexual immorality. Secondly, a believer may acquiesce in the desertion of his or her unbelieving partner, if the latter refuses to go on living with him or her. In both cases, however, the permission is given in negative or reluctant terms. Only if a person divorce his partner on the ground of marital unfaithfulness in his remarriage not adulterous. Only if the unbeliever insists on leaving, is the believer ‘not bound’.
C. SOLUTION
God created man, male and female, in the beginning, and He instituted marriage. His intention was and is that human sexuality will find fulfilment in marriage, and that marriage will be an exclusive, loving and lifelong union. This is His ideal.
Divorce is nowhere commanded, and never even encouraged, in Scripture. Divorce is permissible (not mandatory) on two grounds, i.e., the ground of fornication and an unbeliever leaves. Garry R. Collins wrote, “When a couple is motivated to have faith that God can and will heal their marriage, follow by their own hard work, divorce is never necessary.63 If divorce is never necessary, than remarriage is also never necessary. A.D. Verhey appealed and advised, “We must attempt to form disposition that are ready not to divorce. Even when divorce is legally and culturally acceptable-even, indeed, when the rules of Matthew, Paul, or subsequent Christian communities would permit divorce. God calls us to honor marriage and shun divorce”.64
The best solution for divorce and remarriage is reconciliation. Both husband and wife must realise that the result of divorce is painful. They must try to find and follow the will of God; they must work hard to solve their marital problems according to the word of God; this involves bringing of their broken marriage to God who is the able to heal and reunite the broken marriage. This is the best choice of solving problems in marriage.
C O N C L U S I O N
Marriage, divorce and remarriage are not only the problems of a man or women as a member of the Church, but also the problems of the entire Church members. Leaders of the Church must realise that in future there will be many problems deriving from marriage which may appear and hence needs special attention and involvement.
The characters and attitudes of man are changing every minute, according to the change in the world. The way of life and the processes of thinking will follow the footsteps of the progress in the world. The world today is just climbing to its peak of its modernization; this is evidenced by the coming of increasingly modern technology which now can be seen through the computer systems. Everything can now be computerized.
The world today have top managements, skilled managements are evidenced in the planning and controlling of staff, budgets and act. Everything must be programmed and accomplished within the tight time schedules. Time is more efficiently used, thus now people prefer to cut back upon the vital time between their first meeting and marriage. The question is: could compute and skilled management be implemented into marriage?
The success formula of marriage is still the same since Genesis. Marriage cannot be compromised with the management and computer systems. Marriage cannot be a stimulated sham. God has painted marriage with heavenly colors. It is the epitome of beauty and cannot be fabricated because marriage is God’s handwork. Marriage is His divine plan.
God planned, instituted, ordained and sealed it. A man and women must maintain it in the manner of maturity and mutuality.
Why is it then, that the holy and beautiful symbol of marriage is often canvassed on the red corner of the marriage arena? How many thousands of marriage has ended at the reverberations of a judge’s mallet. They cannot face the problems and deems divorce as the best choice. The holy and beautiful building of marriage is broken, and it sinks into the lake of Tears; which is created by the emphatic church community. What is the main problem? Divorces and remarriage are only the results of the problems in a marriage which cannot be properly avoided.
Now, what must we do? What are the need of men and women who are married? After researching and interviewing some married couples who have marriage problems, the needs may be summed up as follows:
(1) There is a need for wholesome Biblical teachings about marriage and reconciliation.
Generally, they mentioned that they lack the vital understanding of Biblical teachings about marriage and reconciliation. Pastors, Evangelists and Elders must give positive instructions on both these subjects. The congregation has to know that the purpose of God is marriage not divorce and the heart of Gospels is reconciliation. We need to see the Scripture as a whole, and never isolate the topic of divorce. The topic must be discoursed in the premarital counseling. The congregation must know the detailed principles of marriage both in the Old and New Testaments, and also the results of divorce as pertaining to Chapter II.
(2) There is the need for premarital counseling.
Premarital counseling cannot be completed overnight; as Rome wasn’t built in a day. The pastor has to set up the materials for counseling, the length of time and the schedules. Premarital counseling is the basic needs of the couples who plan marry, and it also reinforces a strong foundation of marriage in Christ. Ninety percent of all successful marriages depend on this stage.
(3) There is the need for Advisory Board Servicing Reconciliation.
The Indonesian Government has an Advisory Board for Marriage and Divorce, but it is reserved specifically for Muslims. Roman Catholics also have an Advisory Board for Marriage which is handled by professionals. These bodies are very effective, because the policies are very clear as well as the purpose of the institution. But in Protestant Churches there are no standard Advisory Board of Marriage, therefore the total responsibility falls on the pastors. To prevent pressurization which might induce mistakes in this aspect of counseling I would propose setting up an Advisory Board for Marriage which is under the direction of a pastor.
(4) There is the need for Pastoral Ministry to the divorced.
d. They have to know and be aware of God’s divine plan.
e. They have to know: the results of divorce.
f. They have to know that God hates divorce.
g. They have to know that God’s expectation is reconciliation. And realise
h. That remarriage is never necessary, if divorce can be handled properly.
(5) These are the need for a Pastor who has special skills to handle the many facts of divorce and remarriage.
· He must have a clear concept of marriage.
· He must be dedicated and committed to this problem.
· He must realise that the best solution to marriage’s problems is reconciliation.
· Divorce and remarriage is his last choice if fornication is proved.
(6) If the Church agrees to the divorce and remarriage only under the cause of fornication, they must prepare the liturgy of remarriage as well as the liturgy of a blessing ordaination on the couples who have elicited sexual relationships before their marriage. We realise that this task is not an easy job for the Pastors, especially to the Church who is not ready to accept the reality of divorce and remarriage. In the Mennonite Church in Indonesia these issues are not new, but these issues are very tough and difficult to solve, even though the pastoral guidelines are available.
To end, I would like to state my stand;
“In accordance to God’s divine plan I view reconciliation as the best solution for divorce and remarriage as God said, ‘I hate divorce’ Malachi 2:16”.
Rev. Dr. Eddy Paimoen
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1 The Grolier Internasional Dictionary, (Connecticut: Grolier Incorporated, 1981).
2 M.F. Unger’s Bible Dictionary, (Chicago: Moody Press, 1972), p.697.
3 F.B. Proctor, Treasury of Quotations on Religious Subject, (Michigan: Kregel Publications), p.451.
4 JD Douglas and Co., New Bible Dictionary, (Leicester: Inter-Versity Press, 1987), p.742.
5 Charles R. Swindoll, Strike the Original Match, (Oregon: Multnomah Press, 1980), p.32-33.
6 John Stott, Issues Facing Christian Today, (Hants: Marshall Morgan and Scott, 1984), p.262.
7 John Williams, The Family God’s Handiwork, (Illinois: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 1985), p.10.
8 John Stott, Op.Cit. p.262.
9 Joyce Hugget, Marriage on the Mend, (Esatbourne: Kingsway Publications, 1987) p.80.
10 William Barclay, Op. Cit., p.205.
11 Stacy and Paula, Choices, Finding God’s Way In Dating, sex, singleness and Marriage, (Singapore, Navpress, 1987). P. 92.
12 John William, Op.Cit. p.52.
13 William Barclay, Op .Cit. p.202.
14 Theodore H. Epp, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage, (Nebraska: Back to the Bible, 1985), p.6.
15 Ibid., p.203.
16 Ibid., p.6.
17 Genesis 1:28
18 Stacy and Paula, Op.Cit., p. 165.
19 Ibid.,
20 Methew 19:5, 6 and Mark 10:7.8.
21 W.E. Vine, Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words: Four Volumes In One, (Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House, 1982), p.196.
22 William Barclay, Op. Cit., p. 203.
23 Ibid., p.203.
24 Wiliam Barclay, Op.Cit., p.204.
25 Wiliam Hendrikson, New Testament Commentary: The Gospel of Mathew (Edinburg : The Banner of Truth Trust, 1982), pp. 78-379.
26 John R. Martin, Divorce and Remarrige, (Ontario: Herald Press, 1976), p.38.
27 Ibid., p.379.
28 Ibid., p.379.
29 John Marray, Divorce, (Committee on Christian Education, Orthodox Presbyterian Church), p.1.
30 The Grolier Internasional Dictionary, (Connecticut:Grolier Incorporated, 1981), p.82.
31 Ibid., p. 268.
32 II Corinthians 6: 14-16
33 Gordon D. Fee, The New International Commentary on The New Testament: The First Epistle To The Corinthians, (Michigan: Wm.B. Earmans Publishing Campany, 1988), pp.277,281.
34 Gordon D. Fee, Op. Cit., p.279
35 Ibid., p.279.
36 Ibid., p.279.
37John Stott, Op. Cit., p. 317
38 Webster’s Third New Internasional Dictionary, (Chicago: William Benton Publisher, 1961), p.664.
39 The Grolier Internasional Dictionary, Op.Cit., p.365.
40 M.F. Unger, Op.Cit.,p. 271.
41 Geoffrey W. Bromiley, The International Standard Bible Enyclopedia, (Michigan: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1979), pp. 974-975.
42 Geoffrey W. Bromiley, Op.Cit., p.975.
43 Theodore H. Epp Op.Cit., pp. 30-31.
43 Ibid., p.975.
44 Ibid., p.975.
45 Matthew Henry’s Commentar, Volume I, p. 822.
46 Geoffrey W. Bromiley, Op.Cit., p.976.
47 Ibid., p.976.
48 Ibid., p.976.
49 Theodore H. Epp, Op Cit., pp. 52-53.
50 Theodore H. Epp, Op.Cit., p.54.
51 Garry R. Collins, Christian Counselling, (Herts:Word Publishing, 1985), p. 191.
52 Geoffrey S. Bromiley, Op.Cit.,p.978.
53 John Stott, Op.Cit., p.269.
54 Garry R. Collins, Op.Cit.,
55 John Stott, Op.Cit., p.272.
56 Walter A. Elwell, Evangelical Dictionary of Theology, (Michigan: Baker Book House, 1987), p.932.
57 Guy Duty, Divorce and Remarriage, (Minneapolis, bethany Fellowship ink, 1967), p.112.
58 B.L. Woolf, Reformation Writing Of Martin Luther, (London:Lutten-south press, 1952), p.307.
59 Guy Duty, Divorce and Remarriage, OP.Cit., p.120, cited from A Compend Of Wesley’s Theology, (abingdon Press, 1954), p.238.
60 Ibid., p.37.
61 Guy Duty, Op.Cit., pp. 120-121 as cited from Spurgeon’s Popular Exposition of Matthew, (Zondervan), pp. 28, 159, 160.
62 John R. Martin, Op Cit., pp. 36-37.
63 Gerry R. Collins, Op.Cit., p. 199.
64 Ibid., p.978.
Divorce and remarriage have now become populer not only in the societies who accept and practice them, but also in Christian communities throughout the world. These issues continue to be controversial topics emong Christian leaders and are still hotly debated; before an accepted solution to the problems could be suggested.
Divorce and remarriage are very complex problems, which are difficult to solve. These issues need very serious attention as well as a detailed investigation to determine the root of the problem(s) which cause(s) divorce and remarriage. To make an investigation, we should have God’s love, special skills and plenty of patience. Resolving the dilema of divorce and remarriage reguires some length of time and cannot be settled overnight.
If these matters are not handled wisely and properly, they could create new problems. Divorce and remarriage must be viewed in the light of the word of God. The definition of marriage must be understood and accepted by both partners before they commit themselves, so that they cannot run away from the reality of marriage. Actually, the main problem of divorce and remarriage is in marriage itself.
Changing social attitudes constitute onather cause of divorce and remarriage. Some changes in several social structures, which might have caused marriage to terminate are, pressures on family life due to unemployment and other financial problems; the emancipation of women; pattern of employment with both partners working at different shifts, etc.
The modern concept of marriage, for exemple in Indonesia, especially in the big cities, they confidently declare that monogamy is absolete. People refuse to glorify either traditional marriage or motherhood, and regard partners as equal, independent individuals who enjoy complete unfettered role reversibility. This concepthas changed the nature of marriage.
There are also many social practices, which strongly influence the nature of marriage; for example, homosexuality and lesbianism. The details of marriage, divorce and remarriage will be explained in this paper. The purpose of writing this paper is to find an acceptable solution to the problem of divorce and remarriage. Actually, the best solution is reconciliation, which is the desire of God who hates divorce (Mal. 2:16).
The biblical view of marriage should be the basis for solving the problems of divorce and remarriage other than the contemporary view, which is only used for comperative studies. The Biblical view is thus used in defining the problems and developing, in detailed steps, towards the problems’ remedy.
The aim to the study of marriage, divorce and remarriage is to understand, as fully as possible, the various problems of marriage, and try to find the best way out. In this way a man and women who plan to marry may have a clearer understanding of God’s divine plan, and this will encourage them to face all marital problems by surrendering their marriage totally to God. In this way, divorce and remarriage can be minimised, hopefully, as these option could be deleted and removed from the couple’s minds, since they have built a strong foundation for their marriage that is found in Christ.
Chapter 1
MARRIAGE
There is several definition of marriage such as follows: The Grolier Internasional Dictionary defines marriage as “The legal union of a man and women as husband and wife”.1
Unger’s Bible Dictionary defines marriage as “…. A divine institution, designed to form a permanent union between a man and a women that they be helpful to one another”.2 Hodge defines marriage as “Union for life between one man and one woman”.3
The New Bible Dictionary defines marriage as “…. The state in which men and women can live together in sexual relationship with the approval of the social group”.4 Charles R Swindoll defines marriage as “…. A union domestic social, spiritual, physical. It is a fusion of two hearts, the union of two lives, the coming together of two tributaries, which, after being joined in marriage, will flow in the same channel, in the same direction… carrying the same burdens of responsibility and obligation”. 5
John Stott defines marriage as “…. an exclusife hetero-sexual covenant between one man and one women, ordained and sealed by God, preceded by a public leaving of parents, consumated in sexual union, issuing in a permanent mutually supportive partnership, and normally crowned by the gift of children”.6 John William defines marriage as “…. was instituted by God and is to be carefully cultivated and protected. It is both the purpose and fulfilment of our human sexuality and the proper context of family and happiness”.7
All the definitions which have been quoted above, states clearely what marriageis and the conditions which make it acceptable. Therefore, marriage can be formulated as ”a divine institution or union for life for two personalities, ordained and sealed by God, in a permanent union between a man and a women who live together in sexual relationship with the approval of society, for discharging the same responsibilities and obligations in togetherness and considerateness to achieve an enjoyable and happy life in all circumstances”.
B. THE BIBLICAL VIEW OF MARRIAGE
The Bible, both Old and New Testaments, has a complete record of marriage. Marriage is clearly stated and acceptable. God has placed marriage on a fundamental basis-marriage is God’s divine plan of uniting a man and a women as husband and wife.
Both Old and The New Testament agreed that marriage is God’s divine institution, pure and holy. God created man, male and female, in the image of himself; and by their increasing through marriage, enable them to dominate and rule the world. God’s intention in marriage is that a man and women as husband and wife are able to experience His great love and wonderful blessings through their union and sexual relationships. God called sexual human beings “very good” and undoubtedly wanted them to “multiply” and “enjoy” their bodies within the confined of His will.
OLD TESTAMENT
The Biblical view of marriage as discoursed will be limited mainly in Genesis chapter one and two, which contains the basic teachings of marriage. There are five principles of marriage such as follows:
(1) Marriage is a divine plan
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable from him”. (Gen. 2:18). God Mede the decision for making a helpmate for the man, without the men’s involment. God did not counsel the man, whether the man needs a helper or not; and if the man needs a helper, then what kind of helper or not; and if the man needs a helper, then what kind of helper he needs.
God Himself decided upon a plan for the man in His omniscience. He did not want the involvement and comment from the man who had been created by him. God did what He wanted to do. This is the evidence of his divine plan.
God was very honest and fair to Himself, He said, “it is not good for the man alone”. God knew the utmost need of the man, and he will give the man what is best. Then God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. The man was totally unconscious – he did not know what happened to him. While he was sleeping, God took out one of the man’s ribs, and close up the place with the flesh. He called ‘women’ because she had been taken out from the man; she was a helpmate, a companion for the man.
Marriage is God’s handwork. He planned, He enacted, and He united. Marriage is the first and the most beautiful and wonderful institution on this earth.
(2) Marriage is a meeting of self
God brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bonesand flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘women’, for she was taken out of man”. (Gen. 2:23).
Principally, marriage is a meeting AF self. As quoted above, they were from one, thus met, he literally married himself. This concept against divorce. As John Stott wrote, “Marriage is literally ‘indissoluble’ “. 8
Paul said, “In the same way husband ought to love their wifes as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it. (Eph. 5:28, 29).
The man said,”This is not bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh”. The man expresed hid joy, when he met his suitable helper. One of the duties of husband is to love his wife as he loves his own body. He must realise the existence of his wife as a suitable helper. As a wife, God has given her a very special skill, which can be used for complementing what is lacking in her husband, and also make them work complementary. A husband must tresure his wife, and places her in her rightful social and material position; so that by the presence of his wife, he is able to become more mature and perfect. This shows, that the philisophy of marriage is unigue and complicated; but in reality it is so simple and beatiful.
God has instituted marriage as the union of a man and a woman for life. Again, this concept is against the homosexualism and lesbianism views.
(3) Marriage is oneness and togetherness
God said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will became one flesh (Gen. 2:24). This verse contains three important words, “leave”, “be united” and “one flesh”. The first important word is “leave”. For this purpose of marriage the man will ‘leave’ his father and mother. In the word ‘leave’, it contains the responsibility of a man in making the decision to leave his parents based on his maturity. This making of his decision to leave his parents, is not influenced by others, not even his father or mother, but rather by God Himself who is the owner of marriage. The man used the freedom, which God has given to him, whether by choosing his mate, or by taking leave from his parents, and it is his due.
One of the duties of parents is to prepare a man or women for marriage by developing their maturity. The parents must realise that there children at some time or other have leave them and cleave to his wife or her husband. To leave is to separate from the parents according to the will of God. That means the parents must release them and promise that they will never interfere with the marriage which God has instituted. When the man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, no person on earth can separate this union, not even the father or mother.
The second word is to “cleave”. NIV uses the words “be united” which means, “be glued” or “be cemented”. Both husband and wife have been glued (cemented) to be one, where they can experience the spirit of oneness. Jesus said, “So they are no longer two, but one” (Mat. 19:6). Joyce Hugget wrote, “Sensitive of oneness accurs when both partners place their own needs alongside those of their spouse so that sets of needs can be met. Sensitive of oneness only accurs in couples who trust one another sufficiently to experiment with varying degress of togetherness and varying degress of time spent separately”.9 In the same tune William Barclay wrote, “The basis of marriage is togetherness, and the basis of togetherness is nothing than considerateness. If marriage is to succeed, the partners must always be thinking more of each other than of themselves”.10
The third words are “one flesh”. One flesh is the actualisation of marriage. Within the bonds of marriage, sex is the most intimate seal of commitment, a tender expression of total giving that binds two people together.11 There is no doubt that the unity mentioned here, “the two shall be one flesh”, while including physical union, means something much deeper than that. It also includes psychological bonding, in the case of a Christian marriage, spiritual fulfillment.12 As a matter of fact, when a man and women are united in marriage and live together in the fullness of that beatiful relationship, they seem to be fused into one.
Oneness and togetherness are the fruits of love; it can be clearly seen through the loves of married couples. The love of God, which has bound them, makes them able to live closely and mutually. Based on mutuality, they are able to create many good circumstances within their marriage, for example: They spend many hours relaxing together; they enrich their relationship through prayers together; they deepen their understanding of one another through communicating and listening.
(4) Marriage is openness and happiness
The Bible said, “The man and his wife both naked, and they felt no shame” (Gen. 2:25). This verse contains three aspects of lives, physically, psychologically and spiritually. The Jewish tern of marriage was kiddushin. Kiddushin meant that anything totally surrendered to God. This meant in marriage the husband was consecrated to the wife and vice versa.13 Theodore H. Epp wrote, “Since marriage is God-given and since it was instituted before sin entered into the world, it is based on the holiest percepts of God”.14
Marriage is the total union of two personalities and sex is a supremely important part of it.15 Sex is part of God’s creation, holy and pure. Sexes are the great gift of God for men and women. The relationship between a husband and a wife in this sinlessly perfect condition was as secret and holy as the relationship of the three persons of the Trinity.16 These are all about the physical needs.
Secendly, the openness and considerateness are the social and psychological needs of husband and wife. Chrisian marriage is, among other things, about companionship: social and psychological on oneness; enjoying doing things together in the principle of openness and considerateness. Courting couples and engaged couples do this automatically. They talk together, they walk together, they work together, have meals out together, watch television together, and etc.
Openness is a way tounderstand eachotherdeeply, and it is the bridge to considerateness. In this way both husband and wife are able to learn what their weaknesses and strengths are, thus enabling them to work closely and complementary. Husband and wife have to support each in the basis of love and patience.
Spiritually, husband and wife should walk hand in hand, as their promise to God that they will live together in all circumstances as long as their lives. Openness and considerateness are very important reguirements of the married couples, for growing in spiritual understandings, especially to marriage itself. Through marriage they are able to have a good fellowship with God, and use their marriage for worshiping God in beauty and holiness, which are able to bring them real happiness.
(5) Marriage is ordained and sealed by God
God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase the number….”17 Marriage is an adventure that begins at the altar and ends at a gravesite. In between there will be laughter and tears, anger and ecstacy.18 Marriage means constantly living together, ordained and sealed by God.19
The strong foundations of marriage is not laid on how impressive the preaching at the time of the blessing ordaination, or how big a wedding feast they have, but to their commitment to God, and also their honesty, maturity and mutuality.
Both husband and wife must realise that marriage is not a dream, it is raw reality. Marriage is not look-alike one episode of a fantastic drama which will and in within two hours, but it has been instituted by God in the Garden of Eden for a lifetime. For this reason, every one who intends to marry must build their marriage upon the unshaken foundation that is God himself. On this foundation, they are able to stand firmly, even though they have to face thousands of temptations. As Paul said in Philippians 4:13, “I have the strength to face all conditions by the power that Christ gives me” (GNB).
To understand and realise God’s blessing before committing to marriage is a good beginning for husband and wife, for starting their ‘unionness’ and oneness. How wonderful when they hear God’s voice, “please go with my sufficient blessing”. With this blessing the husband and wife start to go hand in hand along the path of marriage which is full of joyand tears, but they will walk slowly and firmly unto the and by the strengthand power of God.
NEW TESTAMENT
There is no new teaching of marriage in the New Testament. Both Jesus and Paul underlined the basic principles of marriage, which God had built in Genesis one and two.
Jesus’ teaching of marriage
Methew, Mark and Luke have clear records of what Jesus restated as marriage. Jesus confessed and agreed to all principles of marriage which God had built in Genesis one and two.
When Jesus answered the Pharisees’ question of divorce, He tried to reconstruct what God had stated in the very beginning of creation, specifically relating to God’s divine plan of marriage. Jesus did not want to add or subtract the perfect law of marriage; instead, he reminded and warned the Pharisees about it.
Jesus answers to Pharisees contained three basic principles AF marriage such as follows:
(1) Marriage is a divine plan
Jesus reminded the pharisees that the creator at the beginning made them male and female (Mat 19:4; Mark10: 6). the words “at the beginning” indicated to the time when God was creating the universe, which included the man and women and also marriage. The purpose of God in creating male and female is to unite them in the union of husband and wife. God gave them authority and power to rule over the world, by commanding them to be fruitful, filling the earthand subduing it.
After everything was made clear to them, then God blessed them. God ordained and sealed them, this was the evidence of the divine plan
(2) Marriage is oneness, togetherness and considerateness
Jesus said, “For this reasona man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one”.20 What Jesus said to Pharisees was underlining and stressing the word of God regarding the marriage, which God has built in the Old Testament. There is several important meaning in this verse, as follows:
a. The words “for this reason” are indicating to God’s divine purpose, marriage. If we refer to the main concept of God on marriage in Genesis 2:18-19, it can be understood that for the purpose of marriage God created man, male and female.
b. “A man will leave his father and mother” is the indication of parents’ responsibility on how to look after and give sufficient education to their children. The biggest responsibility of parents is to prepare their children to live in God who is able to give them maturity.
The word “leave” implies implicity “maturity”, “responsibility” and “accoundtiblity”. To leave is the action of a man who has sufficient provisions in spiritual, psychological and physical understanding of marriage, which is God’s divine plan. The result of maturity is the mutuality, which is the basis of oneness and togetherness.
c. … A man will leave his father and mother, cleave to his wife….” God’s purpose in this verse is very clear, that a man and women will unite in marriage. To cleave in Greek word is. The root word is “
“, Which means glue.21 God took the man out from his parents, and glued him to his wife. God, cemented to be one, so that they are able to experience the realisation of oneness and considerateness, glues the married couples. God glued a man and women in a lasting unity, which cannot be separated. “Be united” or “cemented,” indicates to the reality of unionness, which contains all aspect of life, spiritually, psychologically and physically.
d. “. The two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one”. The consequences of this statement are:
(1) Marriage is the total unity – the total unity means that marriage is not given for one act of life, however important that act may be, but for all.22
(2) Marriage is the total union of two personalites; two people can exist together in a variety of ways.23
(3) Marriage must be a place of shering in all circumstances of life.
(4) Marriage is oneness and happiness
(5) Marriage is togetherness and considerateness.
For this point William Barcley gave a very important comment, “Marriage should not narrow life, it should complete it. FO both new partners it must bring a new fulness, a new satisfaction, a new contentment into life. It is the union of two personalities in which the two complete each other. That does not mean that adjusment, and even sacrifices, have not to be made; but it does mean that the final relationship is fuller, more joyous, more satisfying than any life in singleness could be”
(3) Marriage is permanence
What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder (KJV) God Himself instituted the relation between husband and wife in the state of innocence. Though marriage be not peculiar to the church, but common to the world, yet, being stamped with a divine institution, and here ratified by our Lord Jesus, it ought to be managed after o godly sort, and sanctified by the word of God and prayer.24
Marriage is therefore indeed “an honorable”. Therefore. Let not man separate what God has joined together. The indissolubility of marriage is stated by Jesus in a very forceful manner. The word “therefore” or “for this reason” shows that he is summering the divine revelation concerning the marriage bond.25
Marriage has always been viewed as instituted by God and for life. Believers are to marry only in the lord.26 Another approach to marriage looks at marriage in terms of a covenant. It sees the heart or essence of marrige as being the vows. A couple promises one another and God to join lives until separated by death. The vows are made without qualification or conditions. The ideal approach to marriage is reflected in this view.27
Let’s note to the word “joined together”. Literally meaning of Greek is “to yoke together”. According to Christ’s teaching, then, husband and wife form a team. They work, plan, pray, play, pull, etc. For a man to separate that which God has yoked or joined together means arrogantly to deft an act of God.28
In principle, marriage is a lifelong union, what John Murray called ‘originally and ideally indissoluble’29 and divorce is a breach of covenant, an act of ‘treachery’, which God says he ‘hates’ (Mal. 2:16).
The New King James Version uses the word “divide”, NIV “separate” and King James Version “put asunder”. Marriage is the perfect creation of God, holy and noble. Jesus said, don’t put into separate parts or pieces.30 Jesus means don’t cut the beatiful perfect marriage into separate parts or pieces. No one has been given the authority by God to separate a holy marriage, not even their fathers or mothers. Husband and wife, being joined together by the ordinance of God, are not to be put asunder by any ordinance of man.31 Marriage is permanent.
Paul’s teaching of Marriage
Paul did not set up new concepts of marriage, what Paul did only reinforces God’s principle of marriage. There are four significant penetrations of Paul’s teaching on marriage, as follows:
(1) Marriage is a meeting of self
If we read carefully, what Paul teaches in Ephesians 5:28-29 about marriage, it is only the reconstruction of the principle of marriage in Genesis 2:23. The man said, “This is now bone of May bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman’ for she was taken from man”.
This is the concept that God has given from the beginning, that marriage is a meeting of self. The man appreciates the women, because she was a part of him. He loves her very much as he loves himself. This is God’s desire that a man loves to help mate (meet) as he loves himself.
In the same way Paul said, “Husband ought to love their wives as their own bodies. Who loves his wife loves him. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it.
He wrote a letter to the Corinthian church, “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone, but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife (1 Cor. 7:3-4). It is the concept of oneness, togetherness and considerateness.
When a man and women have a plan to marry, they must learn this concept, if they agree and accept them; they can step further to marriage. If they apply this concept to their marriage, then they will achieve the best result, i.e., not only wife will submit her life to her husband, but they are able to love each other beautifully. Actually marriage is so simple, even though in reality marriage is very complex, but however, marriage is beatiful and joyful.
(2) How to define help mate (meet) or helper suitable
Paul said, “Don’t be yoked with unbelieves”.32 The words “are yoked” is the translation of the Greek work”. The meaning is to associate discordantly or to yoke up differently. Paul advises the Christians in the Corinthian church not to yoke with unbelievers, or in other words, Paul suggests that the Corinthians should not marry with unbeliever.
The words “be yoked” have the some meaning as “be tied” or “be united” or “cleaved” or “be glued”. As believers we must learn and surrender to God how to define our mate according to God’s divine plan. Hence, as believers we must learn to surrender our mortal wishing for a mate and instead look unto God for a mate of his choosing. This bonding will definitely be according to God’s divine plan as the spouse will be the perfect soul mate.
Jesus uses these words in Matthew 19:6 and Mark 10:9. Jesus said, “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder”. If we compare what Jesus said and Paul’s advice to the Christian in the Corinthian church, it can be said that Paul’s advice is in line with Jesus’ desire on the sacred bonding of marriage.
From the beginning Paul has reminded and warned the Christians in the Corinthian church not to “be yoked” with unbelievers, because if they have been joined together as husband and wife they cannot be put asunder, as it was contrary to God’s divine plan. As light and darkness cannot merge together as one, neither can a believer unite with an unbeliever without causing a rift.
The purpose of Paul in this verse is to advise believers to marry with believers. This is a very strong commandment of God. God seldom tolerates anyone who marries unbelievers. Even though there are many Christian who try to force I Corinthians 7:14 as the ground of mixing marriages between believers and unbelievers. They pretended to utilize this mixing of marriages for evangelism purposes and what is the result? Almost all of them who try to force the word of God for their lustful fulfillments have been run aground in their failure, for it is contrary to the will of God.
(3) The relationship between husband and wife
Paul has given a clear picture of the relationship between husband and wife as Christ and His church (Eph. 5:22-23). Christ is the head of the church. Thus, Paul is ready to suffer for the church as he loves the church, and has even died for this church.
He supplied everything for his church. Jesus gave Himself for this church; it is a true, bonding sacrifice. Now the question is, shall the husband, being the head of his wife sacrifice his life for her, before expecting the wife’s submission? The key of success within the marriage is sacrifice.
The picture of marriage has become clearer and it is breathtakingly beautiful. The interactions between husband and wife, is hence correlated to the picture of the relationship between Christ and His church. This mystery of marriage, which God created in the beginning of creation, has now become clear in Christ Jesus. Husband and wife have to maintain the holiness and nobleness of marriage.
(4) Sexual relationships within marriage
Gordon D. Fee translated I Corinthians 7:2-5 as follows:
Verse 2 -- Each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.
Verse 3 -- The husband should give to his wife her due, like wise the wife to her husband.
Verse 4 -- The wife does not have authority over her own body, like wise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but his wife does.
Verse 5 -- Stop defrauding one another (in this matter) unless perhaps by mutual consent for a set time in order that you may devote time to prayer and may be together again in order that Satan might not tempt you because of your incontinence.33
Paul elaborated on Verse 2, that “having one’s own spouse” means full, mutual sexual relations. The sentences emphasize two things:
a. -- that sexual relationship are a “due” within marriage (Verse 3), because
b. -- The body is not one’s free possession but belongs to one’s spouse (Verse 4).34
Although one can make sense of these two emphasis in traditional view (because of the temptation to immorality, marriage must be fully sexual), they are especially understandable if Paul is responding to the rejection of the marriage bed on the part of some.35
The language of obligation, literally “the payment of what is due”, implies that married couples are indebted to one another sexually.36 Therefore, one cannot deprive the other (Verse 5).
c. The contemporary view of marriage
Generally, we can agree as what John Stott has articulated in his introduction to a call for Christian leadership. He stated clearly and pragmatically, as such: 37
Globally, there are the tarrying build-up of nuclear arsenals, the widespread violations of human rights, the environmental and energy crises, North-South economic inequality.
Socially, there are the tragedy of long-term unemployment, the continuance of conflict in industrial relations, and the outbreaks of racial violence.
Morally, Christians are disturbed by the forces witch are undermining the stability of marriage and the family, the challenges to sexual mores and sexual roles, and scandal of what is virtually abortion on demand.
Spiritually, there are the spread of materialism and the corresponding loss of any sense of transcendent reality. Many people are warning us that the world is heading for disaster; few are offering us advice on how to avert it.
Technical know-how abounds, but wisdom is in short supply. People feel confused, bewildered, alienated. To borrow the metaphors of Jesus, we seem to be like “sheep without a shepherd”, while our leaders often appear to be ‘blind leaders of the blind’.
These are more of the sources of the change to attitudes and characters of man in the modern world. Colossal family-created tensions and competitions at work force them to develop an instant system for running their daily activities, the dreaded routine. They have tough modern management and how to accomplish everything according to the planning schedule, and they are urged to finish the program before the time limit. They have updated their philosophy to: The fastest one will get the advantages. The motto, ‘time is money’, has now become more populer among the youths.
These climates have influenced the nature of marriage. Youths today claim the freedom from all regulations. They regard Church order or, all regulations in the church, as bondage. They say that the Christian concept of marriage cannot be applied today and that it belongs to the ancients of past generations. The results of these are:
1. They practice free sex relationships.
2. They created a new model of marriage, the so-called ‘open-marriage’.
3. They need everything instantly. They comment that the pastoral premarital counseling is only wastage of time.
4. They treat divorce and remarriage as a common, everyday solution to an unsatisfactory union.
5. The unimaginable deaths of millions of babies through abortions because of these concepts.
6. The rapid emergence of homosexuals and lesbians in the community, owing to the lacing of social rules and regulations as society implemented free-sex to satisfy their lustful cravings.
Now, God’s nature of marriage is in danger. Both the West of the nature of marriage. For among Christian people too, marriages are no longer as stable as they used to be, and divorces era becoming almost mundane. Even some Christian leaders divorce their spouse and remarry, while retaining their position of Christen leadership. In this area also the Christian mind is showing signs of capitulating to secularism.
In Indonesia, in some churches, divorce and remarriage has also now become almost commonplace, while in some other churches divorce and remarriage have been serious problems. It seems to be a tendency that the church and couples will normally agree to divorce only as a last resort to solve their marriage problems.
There are our challenges today, whether we agree or not. Now the question is, what input and involvement should we give to save a marriage from divorce and remarriage?
Chapter II
D I V O R C E
A. THE DEFINITION OF DIVORCED I V O R C E
There are some definitions of divorce as follows:
Webster’s Third New Internasional Dictionary defines divorce as “a legal dissolution in whole or impart of marriage relation by court or other body having competent authority” or “an absolute dissolution of a valid marriage made by decree of court for lawful cause arising after the marriage”.38
The Grolier Internasional Dictionary defines divorce as “the dissolution of a marriage by law, or in primitive societies, by established custom’.39
Unger’s Bible Dictionary defines divorce as “a legal separation between man and wife, by means of a formal process of some sort”. 40
There are some terms of divorce in the Old Testament as such: “Kristi” means a “cutting of” (Duet. 24:1,3; Is. 50:1; Jeer. 3:8), “salad” means “send away” (Jer. 3:1; Mal. 2:16), “garas” means “drive out” or “banish” (lev. 21:7,14; 22:13; Num. 30:9 and Ezk 44:22). 41
There are two terms of divorce in the New Testament as such: “apolyo” means “dismiss” or “send away” (Mat. 1:19; 5:31; 19:3,8; Mk. 10:2,11; Lk. 16:18), “aphiemi” means “send away” or ”leave” (1 Cor. 7:11-13).42
Both Biblical and secular terms of divorce, have the same meaning and understanding, i.e., “dissolution” or “separation”, whether the husband sends away his wife or the wife leaves her husband.
B. THE BIBLICAL VIEW OF DIVORCE
God’s original principle concerning the nature of marriage is laid down in Genesis 2:23, 24. Notice that divorce has no room in God’s program. When He instituted marriage, He did not provide divorce as the countermeasure in case the marriage did not turn out right.
As Theodore H. Epp mentioned, “Divorce came many years after marriage was instituted. In the Ten Commandments, which God gave to Moses, there was no mention of divorce. It was not in the direct will of God, but because of the hardness of the Israelites’ hearts, it was divorce permitted and tolerated”.43
Old Testament
(1). Mosaic Law of divorce
God permitted divorce during the time of the law. The grounds for divorce under the conditions stipulated in Deut. 24:1, is that the man has found in his wife’erwat debar’ which means ‘unclean thing’. The word ‘erwat’ in law. 23:24 it refer to human excrement.43
However, the words “unclean thing” in Deut. 24:1 cannot mean the adultery or sexual uncleanness off a spouse, because adultery was punishable with death.44 Since the result of adultery was the death punishment; then why did Moses when he was commanded to give a writing of divorcement, also mention clearly that after the wife got the letter of divorcement, she was permitted to marry with another man?. Can it be supposed that ‘erwat dabar’ must mean something less than adultery?45 If we read carefully Deut 24:1-4, then we are able to understand that divorce was permitted but not mandatory. If we compare what then we will understand that the grounds for divorce are due to the hardness of the Israelites’ hearts.
(2) Rabbinic interpretation of divorce
(a) The school of Shammai interpretation
The school of Shammai granted the validity of divorce on grounds of unchastity. Shammai’s exegesis transposed the words so he read dabar erwa (cf. Greek logos porneias) and argued accordingly that the only legitimate reason for divorce was adultery.46
(b) The school of Hillel interpretation
The school of Hillel allowed divorce for ill fame, violation of vows made publicly, childlessness, spoiling of food and the husband’s finding another woman more beautiful. 47 Hillel said the words ‘erwat dabar’ quite plainly meant “some unseemly thing” and argued accordingly that a man is licensed to divorce his wife for any “unseemly thing”, including burning the toast.48
What Moses said about divorce in Deut. 24:1-4, is very brief. From these verses appeared many interpretations, thus making the meaning of divorce unclear and unsure, and the results are that many husband divorce their wives or vice versa depending on their wills and whims. They force the words of God to accomplish their needs, mainly the usual sexual fulfillments. The women who have weak positions always become like a sacrifice a puppet; this is not the will of God.
New Testament
The ground for divorce in the New Testament can be found in Matthew 5:32; 19:9 and in I Corinthians 7: 10-15. Both Lord Jesus and Paul did not give long explanation, about divorce and its grounds. There are many interpretations to Jesus’ exception for divorce, because this exception is not found in the other two synoptic Gospels. It seems to be a contradiction.
(1) Yesus teaching of divorce
Matthew was writing his Gospel primarily with Jews in mind, and he recorded these statements of Jesus to give a proper interpretation of the Mosaic Law concerning divorce. The purpose of Jesus in mentioning the exception for divorce is to clarify the true meaning of Mosaic Law on various issues, especially the ground for divorce.49
In Jesus life time, there were many interpretations to the cause of divorce, like those made by the School of Hillel and Shamai. Actually, the Mosaic Law of divorce has become laxer; thus was evidenced by the question of the Pharisees to Jesus about divorce. Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? This question contained the Pharisees’ attitudes on how they kept Mosaic Law. In reality, the Pharisees had almost made the Law null and void.
Jesus’ answer to the Pharisees contained three significant statements:
(a) The hardness of hearts are the cause for divorce
Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because of your hearts which were hard” (Mat. 19:8). In Moses life time, he has always faced the bad attitudes of the Israelites. That happened not only once, as even Israel often opposed against God. Even though the people of Israel are know as the Nation of God, their actions often bespoke their tendency to think and behave as the Gentiles. They had bad characters and are an infamous stiff-necked people. Their hearts were hard. In regarding of divorce, although Moses did not agree, still they will continue to divorce. Moses did not totally sanction their divorce. In Duet. 24:1, Moses used the word “if”, that was clear that divorce was not mandatory. Divorce came out from the inner or willingness of man, which appeared in the manner of hardness of hearts.
(b) Fornication is the exception for divorce
I tell you that anyone who divorce his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery (Mat.19:9). Marital unfaithfulness is fornication. This is Jesus’ statement concerning divorce. The purpose of Jesus, statement is to clarify the real meaning of the cause to divorce which has been stated by Moses. Jesus was very well acquainted to the Pharisees’ interpretation of divorce. Jesus understood completely the interpretations to both the school of Shammai and Hillel about divorce. He intended to show to the Pharisees, that they had a wrong concept of divorce.
Fornication and adultery is contrasted. Fornication and adultery are not identical in meaning. Both refer to sexual sin, but as used in the Scriptures, ‘fornication’ refers to the sexual act before marriage and ‘adultery’ to illicit sexual relations after marriage.50 Under Mosaic Law, divorce was permitted only when the sin of fornication was involved. Both fornication and adultery were punishable by death. That means the grounds for divorce, is the sin which ultimately results in the death punishment.
(c) Divorce is the cause of adultery
Jesus said, “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for material unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorce woman commits adultery (Mat. 5:32). If we read this verse carefully, we will explicitly understand, that divorce is too complicated. Divorce is the worse choice. As Garry R. Collins wrote, “Divorce is painful – very painful”. 51 as A.D. Verhey wrote, “we must attempt to form dispositions that are ready not to divorce even when divorce is legally and culturally acceptable – even, indeed, when the rule Matthew, Paul, or subsequent Christian communities would permit divorce. God calls us to honor marriage and shun divorce. Divorce is always, therefore, an evil; it is never something to be intended as itself the and-in-view.52
(d) Mosaic Law of divorce applied only for Israel
Both Luke and Mark did not mention the exception of divorce, because their purpose was to the gentiles. The Gospels of Luke and mark were written for the Gentiles, who never used Mosaic Laws. The Mosaic Law of divorce is only for Israel. Moses’ permissive Law of divorce related only to the Israelites and not to Gentiles or to a church, which are not under the Mosaic Law.
(2) The Teaching of Paul
The teaching of Paul which we have to consider occurs in I Corinthians 7:10-16, and concerns in particular the so-called ‘Pauline privilege’:
(a) Paul is giving authoritative, apostolic instructions
In I Corinthians 7:10, Paul wrote, “To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband”. He continued with verse 12, “To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is a believer and she is willing to live with me, he must not divorce her”. There are many persons have misunderstood these statements. It is quite a mistake to imagine that he is setting Christ’s teaching and his own in opposition to each other, with the further implication that Christ’s has authority, whereas his has not.53
Both God’s command and Paul’s instruction regarding divorce have the same sense, that divorce is not mandatory. By the guidance of the Holy Spirit Paul gives apostolic instruction, that a wife must not separate from her husband and the husband must not divorce his wife. This instruction is in line with the principle of marriage.
(A) Paul agrees and support Jesus’ prohibition of divorce
What Paul has explained about marriage in Romans 7:1-3, is lasting marriage, that only death can separate it. If the husband or wife dies, then he or she is released from the law of marriage and is not an adulterer or adulteress even though he or she marries another woman or man. Paul also said, “Each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband” (I Corinthians 7; 2f). This statement indicates that Paul agrees and supports Jesus’ prohibition of divorce. Paul uses the work “separate” (I Corinthians 7:10) as in the translation from the Greek word “chorizo” which can be referred to divorce. But the context suggests that Paul is not referring to divorce.
(B) Paul permits divorce on grounds that the desertion was made by an unbelieving spouse.
Paul said, “But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God called us to live in peace” (I Corinthians 7:15). Paul spoke about mix marriage in I Corinthians 7:12-16, between believer and unbeliever. Paul commanded them not to divorce unbeliever wife or husband, if he or she is willing to live together in marriage. Paul’s statement in I Corinthians 7:15 seem like a contradiction with his statements in I Corinthians 7:12-14, which he agrees for divorce in the cause that the desertion was made by an unbelieving spouse. These verses have three presumptions as such:
a. Can be supposed that I Corinthians 7:12-16, do not relate to Christian marriage.
b. There is any possibility, that believer marry unbeliever, and after they are married for some time the unbeliever is willing to leave the believer.
c. Another possibility, that unbelievers married couples, because of Gospel’s preaching, one spouse to be a Christian, and one spouse still remained to be an unbeliever, and after some time he or she is willing to leave her husband or his wife.
The ‘Pauline privilege’ provides no basis, therefore, for divorce on the general ground of desertion; this is not a Christian option. This statement is the source of the notorious”Pauline privilege”, in which the text understood to mean that the believer is free to remarry.
C. THE RESULTS OF DIVORCE
Divorce is painful – very painful. It can thoroughly disrupt one’s life, routines, feelings of self-worth, and sense of security. It can affect people physically, psychologically and spiritually. It can lead to emotional upheaval, irrational decisions and interpersonal tensions. It affects the two people involved but its influence can extend to children, parents, other family members, fellow employs, friends, neighbors and people in the church.
There are some negative effects of divorce, such as follows:
1. Emotional effect
Divorce is accompanied by an almost endless range of emotions, including: anxiety, guilt, fear, sadness, depression, anger, bitterness and frustration. Often along with the distress, there is a sense of euphoria and relief but this sometimes stimulates more guilt. Most couples experience periods of indecision, confusion or vacillation and sometimes there is a hyper alertness, as if the person is waiting expectantly for something else to go wrong. The body, of course, cannot maintain a continuing state of tension and vigilance, so often psychosomatic illness results.
Divorce involves the loss of love and the death of a relationship. The divorce reaction, therefore, is a grief reaction with all of the emotions that grieving involves. And like all grief reaction, the pain seems greater at Christmas, thanksgiving, anniversaries and other special times of the year.
2. Behavioral Effects
Divorce not only affects how one feels; it influences what one does. Eating, paying the bill, solving daily problems, taking care of one’s property-these and other routine activities must continue; but they are continued without the help or influence of a mate. If there are children, the divorce person must adjust to becoming a single parent either living apart from the children, or with the children present in a one-present family. Preoccupied with these problems, one’s work often suffers. Quality and quantity decline, efficiency drops, and sometimes there is a high accident proneness.
3. Social Effects
Divorce involves people and whenever separation occurs, numerous persons are affected. These include:
(a) Family-children, parents and other relatives whose reaction range from shock, rejection and fear to support and encouragement;
(b) Allies-including personal friends, lawyers and supportive relatives who encourage but sometimes complicate the situation with their advices and opinions;
(c) Critics-(some of whom are in the church) who reject, condemn, blame and sometimes treat the divorce person judgmentally;
(d) Married friends-some of whom feels threatened and many of whom are not sure how to react in the presence of the newly divorce person;
(e) Other single people-many of whom are very understanding; some of whom are potential dating partners.
Divorce people often experience loneliness, insecurity, confusion whether they should date or remarry, and concern about identity or self-confidence. Most struggle with the issue of sex and self-control.
D. SOLUTIONS TO DIVORCE
Every one knows that divorce is painful. It is ultimately the worse choice. When a man and a women plan their marriage they never dream that divorce might be coming to their marriage. I believe, that every one long for a happy marriage. When they marry, they promised God, and also to each other, that they will maintain their marriage according to their vows. They both promised to walk hand in hand and will use their marriage as tools for worshiping God. Before they commit themselves to marriage, they have to realise all the problems that they will face in the future, which could bring them to a pathetic termination of marriage. They have agreed and supported that marriage is for life. From the beginning they have understood that divorce was a way out for facing the marriage problem. Divorce is very painful.
Out of the presumption and beyond the knowledge of the human being, presumably one day the thinking of divorce will come to disturb a man’s or a woman’s mind. I am confident that they still remember their vows, and am even able to repeat it word by word, but now the vows have lost their meanings. Now they live not as per normal, they are not able to laugh together, to relax together, work together, pray and worship together; the situations have turned upside down. It seems that the beginning of bitterness is just coming. Then, what next will happen?
When divorce is peeping in through the small hole in marriage that means the danger will immediately come, which need a serious attention to the couples who are involved. They need help to settle their problems and also they need the best solution for their marriage problems. The preventing of divorce is to build a stronger marriage, which must then be based on scriptural principles, and characterized by love, commitments and open communication.54
Let us assume, however, that a couple is contemplating divorce. How can this be prevented?
1. Counselling -- before a couple decides to separate they have a responsibility before God, to themselves and to their families to do whatever is possible to avoid divorce and build a fulfilling marriage. If both husband and wife are sincerely willing to work at resolving the conflicts and building a relationship, there is a very high possibility that divorce will be prevented.
2. Self-examination -- sometimes we must take a time for self-examination or self-evaluation. I myself agree that it is not easy to make a genuine self-evaluation, especially if someone is in a bad situation or is facing big problems. It is difficult to be realistic. However, we must always be mature and try to be frank to ourselves, when we make self-examinations. We need the Holy Spirit to guide and show the problems in our lives, and then we can frankly confess all our mistakes and sins to God in exchange for forgiveness. God will give clear minds, so that we are able to see clearly all our problems.
In the same way, the husband and wife must ask, “what am I doing which contributes to the problems in my marriage?” Each spouse must answer this question frankly, without judging each other, if they find the main problem of their marriage; they must bring this problem to the light of God. Try to be honest and confess to each other, and forgive each other. This is the Christian’s way of life. Based on love, mutuality and the principles of marriage, both husband and wife have to work hard to solve their marriage problems.
While they pray for the best solution to their marital problems, they have to concentrate on God’s divine purpose of marriage, and are both obligated ti give his or her best contributions for solving their problems which will then bring them to reconciliation.
3. Reconciliation service—Reconciliation service is a very hard job for both pastors and counselors. It take must time and attention. Reconciliation services are exhausted work for pastors. But reconciliation is the desire of God who hates divorce.
If in case both husband and wife have decided to divorce, it can only be permitted when the sins of adultery can be proved. Now then, is remarriage permitted by God? The detailed explanations will be enumerated in the third chapter of this paper.
Chapter III
R E-M A R RI A G E
A. BIBLICAL VIEW OF REMARRIAGER E-M A R RI A G E
Does the scripture allow remarriage? The question of remarriage is a difficult one, touching, as it does, upon matters the Biblical exegesis, moral judgment and pastoral psychology. Logically, if divorce is permissible, remarriage is permissible too.
Old Testament
There is no question to remarriage for husband and wives who plan to remarry because their spouses have died. The Bible speaks very clear about this matter.
In this passage we want to concentrate on the question, does the scripture permit remarriage for a divorced person? This exegetical question is closely related to the view that had been taken on divorce. Remarriage is presupposed in the Deuteronomy legislation (Deut. 24:1-4), although return to a first husband is forbidden in the one case of a woman also divorced by a second husband. Based on the Mosaic Law (Deut. 24:1-4), can be assumed, if divorce was admitted, automatically remarriage was permissible. Divorce is as look-alike as a legal way to remarriage, even though Moses did not recommend both divorce and remarriage.
Mosaic Law of divorce and remarriage were very brief. From these teachings may other interpretations have appeared? Some of the interpretations have violated the will of God. There are many men or women who have forcefully used these verses pertaining to remarriage only as a fulfilment of their human lusts, and it was exactly contrary with the heart of Mosaic Law and also contrary to the will of God. As divorce is permitted in the cause of fornication, then remarriage could also be admitted if the cause can be proved.
New Testament
Remarriage in the New Testament is implicit in Jesus’ teaching of divorce (Matt. 5: 31, 32; 19:9; Mark 1:11, 12) and also in Paul’s teaching (I Cor. 7:10-16).
Jesus said, “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery” (Matt. 19:9). He also said, “…. Except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to commit adultery, and anyone who marries a women so divorced commits adultery” (Matt. 5:32). The words” Except for marital unfaithfulness” (NIV means “except for sexual immorality” (NKJV) or “except it be for fornication” (KJV). Sexual immorality or fornication is the only cause of marriage termination. If the sin of fornication may be proved, then the innocent spouse can be permitted to remarry another person. Only a person who divorces his partner on the grounds of marital unfaithfulness is not adulterous in his remarriage.55 But a person who divorced his wife not on the grounds of fornication, and another person who marries this divorced woman will commit adultery and vice versa.
Jesus never recommended both divorce and remarriage. Remarriage has not been clearly stated yet, because Jesus knows that the Lord our God is consistent to his statement that He hates divorce.
The purpose of Jesus’ statement in Matt. 5:32; 19:9, is to remind the Pharisees what the real meaning of Mosaic Law of divorce was because the Pharisees have made the Mosaic Law null and void.
Paul’s teachings in I Cor. 7:10-15, is not related to the Christian marriage. The historical background of I Corinthians is totally different with the situation when Jesus made his statement to the Pharisees about divorce. Paul’s teachings of marriage and remarriage are very clear. He did not agree nor recommend divorce. Even he has contrasted a clear picture of marriage-marriage as the relationship of Christ and his church. Marriage is lasting as well as the relationship of Jesus and His Church. The life of Christ must be reflected in Christian marriages.
What Paul has taught in I Cor. 7:10-15 about marriage is very clear. His advices for mix marriages between believers and unbelievers. He advised them to stay as they are. Let not together in the marriage. Paul said,” But if an unbeliever leaves, circumstances; God has called us to live in peace”. In this verse Paul uses the word “if”, and then what does it mean? That means, Paul does not recommend divorce. Divorce is not mandatory. Therefore, it could be assumed, that remarriage is implicit in I Cor. 7:15. A believing man and women is not bound in such circumstances; and God has called us to live in peace. The aim of Paul’s statement is that both partners can live in the peace of God. It seems that remarriage is agreeable, but not as the instruction.
B. THE CHRISTIAN CONCEPT OF REMARRIAGE
(1) The case against remarriage
There are no grounds for divorce and remarriage
(a) Marriage was instituted at the very beginning of the history of the human race, when man was in the state of innocence. No reference was made to divorce.
(b) The Prophet Malachi (Mal. 2:14), the Lord Jess Christ (Mark 10:3-9) and the Apostle Paul (Eph. 5:31) all taught that marriage is permanent and does not allow for polygamy or for divorce and remarriage.
(c) Moses allowed the men of Israel to divorce, but this permission was extended to the Church. Christ continued this permission to divorce only for Jewish men who were not His disciples.
(d) Note carefully the wording of Matthew 19:6. “What (not whom) therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder”; and I Corinthians 7:11, “if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife”.
(e) Divorce is inconsistent with the command of Ephesians 5:23 that Christian men love their wives in the same way as Christ loves the Church.
(f) Divorce is inconsistent with the principle of Ephesians 5:28, “He that loves his wife, loves himself”.
(g) Divorce is inconsistence with the grace of God as applied to believers. Adultery is a terrible sin, but it is not unpardonable in God’s eyes-nor should it be I the eyes of believers. Christians are to be imitators of God in forgiveness (Eph. 4:32; 5:1).
(h) Whether or not remarriage should be blessed in Church has been a problem for some Church-men. How best to institutionalized the church’s double task in liturgy and the Church’s discipline-that of prophet, upholding God’s will for the permanence of marriage that of pastor proclaiming the gospel of grace and forgiveness is not an easy task.56
2. The case for remarriage
Many of the Church fathers believed that the three exceptive texts, Matthew 5:32; 19:9; I Corinthians 7:15, permitted remarriage.57
The Reformation theologians untimely rejected Rome’s no remarriage decree. Martin Luther abolished this “popish invention” And wrote, “But I marvel even more that the Romanists do not allow remarriage of a man separated from his by divorce but compel him to remain single. Christ permitted divorce in case of fornication and compelled no one to remain single; and Paul preferred us to marry rather then to burn, and seemed quite prepared to grant that a man may marry other women in place of the one he has repudiated”.58
John Wesley, teacher of logic and founder of the Methodist Church, wrote, “It is adultery for any man to marry again…. Unless that divorce has been for the cause of adultery; in that only case there is no scripture which forbids marrying again”. 59
Here is the testimony of Charles H. Spurgeon:
Marriage is for life, and cannot be loosed, except by the one great crime which severs its bond….. Women divorced for any cause but adultery, and marrying again, is committing adultery before God. Fornication makes the guilty person a fit subject for just and lawful divorce; for it is a virtual disannulling of the marriage bond. In the case of fornication, upon clear proof, the tie can be loosed. …. Person one married are in the sight of God, married for life, with the one exception of proven fornication.60
The Mennonite understanding of divorce and remarriage is more difficult to summaries, in 1527, two years after the beginning of the Anabaptism movement, a tract written by the Swiss Brethren spoke to the problem of divorce and remarriage. In part, it reads as follows:
Moses permitted divorce for trivial reasons but Jesus restored the original ordinance of God. Jesus permitted divorce for one reason – marital infidelity. A believer’s union with Christ is more precious than an early marriage to an unbeliever. If the believer has to choose between the obligations of marriage with a non-Christian and the obligation to do the will of God, it is the later obligation which must be recognized. Jesus permitted remarriage for only one reason, marital infidelity. When married people separate for any other consideration than adultery the subsequent marriage of either party is a violation of the law of God. If anyone has left his companion for reason of loyalty to God, they commit adultery if remarried and are excluded from church membership.
The statement of Menno Simons quoted earlier recognized adultery as the only ground for divorce and that believer was not under bondage if deserted by an unbeliever.61
J.C. Wanger gives the following summary concerning the view of the Mennonite Church toward the turn of the century regarding marriage and divorce:
It is thus evident that the prevailing view in the Mennonite Church in the latter decades of the nineteenth century was that marriage ought to be permanent. But where lives were broken by sin and people were divorce and remarried legally, and the Spirit of God then brought them to repentance and faith; our brotherhood then stretched out to them a welcoming hand and received them as members, in spite of the sins of the past. Our Church then followed the principle, whatever one’s state was when he was called of God, let him abide in that state (I Cor. 7:17, 20, 24).62
John Stott wrote clearly about divorce and remarriage. Divorce and remarriage are permissible (not mandatory) on two grounds. First, an innocent person may divorce his or her partner if the latter has been guilty of serious sexual immorality. Secondly, a believer may acquiesce in the desertion of his or her unbelieving partner, if the latter refuses to go on living with him or her. In both cases, however, the permission is given in negative or reluctant terms. Only if a person divorce his partner on the ground of marital unfaithfulness in his remarriage not adulterous. Only if the unbeliever insists on leaving, is the believer ‘not bound’.
C. SOLUTION
God created man, male and female, in the beginning, and He instituted marriage. His intention was and is that human sexuality will find fulfilment in marriage, and that marriage will be an exclusive, loving and lifelong union. This is His ideal.
Divorce is nowhere commanded, and never even encouraged, in Scripture. Divorce is permissible (not mandatory) on two grounds, i.e., the ground of fornication and an unbeliever leaves. Garry R. Collins wrote, “When a couple is motivated to have faith that God can and will heal their marriage, follow by their own hard work, divorce is never necessary.63 If divorce is never necessary, than remarriage is also never necessary. A.D. Verhey appealed and advised, “We must attempt to form disposition that are ready not to divorce. Even when divorce is legally and culturally acceptable-even, indeed, when the rules of Matthew, Paul, or subsequent Christian communities would permit divorce. God calls us to honor marriage and shun divorce”.64
The best solution for divorce and remarriage is reconciliation. Both husband and wife must realise that the result of divorce is painful. They must try to find and follow the will of God; they must work hard to solve their marital problems according to the word of God; this involves bringing of their broken marriage to God who is the able to heal and reunite the broken marriage. This is the best choice of solving problems in marriage.
C O N C L U S I O N
Marriage, divorce and remarriage are not only the problems of a man or women as a member of the Church, but also the problems of the entire Church members. Leaders of the Church must realise that in future there will be many problems deriving from marriage which may appear and hence needs special attention and involvement.
The characters and attitudes of man are changing every minute, according to the change in the world. The way of life and the processes of thinking will follow the footsteps of the progress in the world. The world today is just climbing to its peak of its modernization; this is evidenced by the coming of increasingly modern technology which now can be seen through the computer systems. Everything can now be computerized.
The world today have top managements, skilled managements are evidenced in the planning and controlling of staff, budgets and act. Everything must be programmed and accomplished within the tight time schedules. Time is more efficiently used, thus now people prefer to cut back upon the vital time between their first meeting and marriage. The question is: could compute and skilled management be implemented into marriage?
The success formula of marriage is still the same since Genesis. Marriage cannot be compromised with the management and computer systems. Marriage cannot be a stimulated sham. God has painted marriage with heavenly colors. It is the epitome of beauty and cannot be fabricated because marriage is God’s handwork. Marriage is His divine plan.
God planned, instituted, ordained and sealed it. A man and women must maintain it in the manner of maturity and mutuality.
Why is it then, that the holy and beautiful symbol of marriage is often canvassed on the red corner of the marriage arena? How many thousands of marriage has ended at the reverberations of a judge’s mallet. They cannot face the problems and deems divorce as the best choice. The holy and beautiful building of marriage is broken, and it sinks into the lake of Tears; which is created by the emphatic church community. What is the main problem? Divorces and remarriage are only the results of the problems in a marriage which cannot be properly avoided.
Now, what must we do? What are the need of men and women who are married? After researching and interviewing some married couples who have marriage problems, the needs may be summed up as follows:
(1) There is a need for wholesome Biblical teachings about marriage and reconciliation.
Generally, they mentioned that they lack the vital understanding of Biblical teachings about marriage and reconciliation. Pastors, Evangelists and Elders must give positive instructions on both these subjects. The congregation has to know that the purpose of God is marriage not divorce and the heart of Gospels is reconciliation. We need to see the Scripture as a whole, and never isolate the topic of divorce. The topic must be discoursed in the premarital counseling. The congregation must know the detailed principles of marriage both in the Old and New Testaments, and also the results of divorce as pertaining to Chapter II.
(2) There is the need for premarital counseling.
Premarital counseling cannot be completed overnight; as Rome wasn’t built in a day. The pastor has to set up the materials for counseling, the length of time and the schedules. Premarital counseling is the basic needs of the couples who plan marry, and it also reinforces a strong foundation of marriage in Christ. Ninety percent of all successful marriages depend on this stage.
(3) There is the need for Advisory Board Servicing Reconciliation.
The Indonesian Government has an Advisory Board for Marriage and Divorce, but it is reserved specifically for Muslims. Roman Catholics also have an Advisory Board for Marriage which is handled by professionals. These bodies are very effective, because the policies are very clear as well as the purpose of the institution. But in Protestant Churches there are no standard Advisory Board of Marriage, therefore the total responsibility falls on the pastors. To prevent pressurization which might induce mistakes in this aspect of counseling I would propose setting up an Advisory Board for Marriage which is under the direction of a pastor.
(4) There is the need for Pastoral Ministry to the divorced.
d. They have to know and be aware of God’s divine plan.
e. They have to know: the results of divorce.
f. They have to know that God hates divorce.
g. They have to know that God’s expectation is reconciliation. And realise
h. That remarriage is never necessary, if divorce can be handled properly.
(5) These are the need for a Pastor who has special skills to handle the many facts of divorce and remarriage.
· He must have a clear concept of marriage.
· He must be dedicated and committed to this problem.
· He must realise that the best solution to marriage’s problems is reconciliation.
· Divorce and remarriage is his last choice if fornication is proved.
(6) If the Church agrees to the divorce and remarriage only under the cause of fornication, they must prepare the liturgy of remarriage as well as the liturgy of a blessing ordaination on the couples who have elicited sexual relationships before their marriage. We realise that this task is not an easy job for the Pastors, especially to the Church who is not ready to accept the reality of divorce and remarriage. In the Mennonite Church in Indonesia these issues are not new, but these issues are very tough and difficult to solve, even though the pastoral guidelines are available.
To end, I would like to state my stand;
“In accordance to God’s divine plan I view reconciliation as the best solution for divorce and remarriage as God said, ‘I hate divorce’ Malachi 2:16”.
Rev. Dr. Eddy Paimoen
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1 The Grolier Internasional Dictionary, (Connecticut: Grolier Incorporated, 1981).
2 M.F. Unger’s Bible Dictionary, (Chicago: Moody Press, 1972), p.697.
3 F.B. Proctor, Treasury of Quotations on Religious Subject, (Michigan: Kregel Publications), p.451.
4 JD Douglas and Co., New Bible Dictionary, (Leicester: Inter-Versity Press, 1987), p.742.
5 Charles R. Swindoll, Strike the Original Match, (Oregon: Multnomah Press, 1980), p.32-33.
6 John Stott, Issues Facing Christian Today, (Hants: Marshall Morgan and Scott, 1984), p.262.
7 John Williams, The Family God’s Handiwork, (Illinois: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 1985), p.10.
8 John Stott, Op.Cit. p.262.
9 Joyce Hugget, Marriage on the Mend, (Esatbourne: Kingsway Publications, 1987) p.80.
10 William Barclay, Op. Cit., p.205.
11 Stacy and Paula, Choices, Finding God’s Way In Dating, sex, singleness and Marriage, (Singapore, Navpress, 1987). P. 92.
12 John William, Op.Cit. p.52.
13 William Barclay, Op .Cit. p.202.
14 Theodore H. Epp, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage, (Nebraska: Back to the Bible, 1985), p.6.
15 Ibid., p.203.
16 Ibid., p.6.
17 Genesis 1:28
18 Stacy and Paula, Op.Cit., p. 165.
19 Ibid.,
20 Methew 19:5, 6 and Mark 10:7.8.
21 W.E. Vine, Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words: Four Volumes In One, (Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House, 1982), p.196.
22 William Barclay, Op. Cit., p. 203.
23 Ibid., p.203.
24 Wiliam Barclay, Op.Cit., p.204.
25 Wiliam Hendrikson, New Testament Commentary: The Gospel of Mathew (Edinburg : The Banner of Truth Trust, 1982), pp. 78-379.
26 John R. Martin, Divorce and Remarrige, (Ontario: Herald Press, 1976), p.38.
27 Ibid., p.379.
28 Ibid., p.379.
29 John Marray, Divorce, (Committee on Christian Education, Orthodox Presbyterian Church), p.1.
30 The Grolier Internasional Dictionary, (Connecticut:Grolier Incorporated, 1981), p.82.
31 Ibid., p. 268.
32 II Corinthians 6: 14-16
33 Gordon D. Fee, The New International Commentary on The New Testament: The First Epistle To The Corinthians, (Michigan: Wm.B. Earmans Publishing Campany, 1988), pp.277,281.
34 Gordon D. Fee, Op. Cit., p.279
35 Ibid., p.279.
36 Ibid., p.279.
37John Stott, Op. Cit., p. 317
38 Webster’s Third New Internasional Dictionary, (Chicago: William Benton Publisher, 1961), p.664.
39 The Grolier Internasional Dictionary, Op.Cit., p.365.
40 M.F. Unger, Op.Cit.,p. 271.
41 Geoffrey W. Bromiley, The International Standard Bible Enyclopedia, (Michigan: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1979), pp. 974-975.
42 Geoffrey W. Bromiley, Op.Cit., p.975.
43 Theodore H. Epp Op.Cit., pp. 30-31.
43 Ibid., p.975.
44 Ibid., p.975.
45 Matthew Henry’s Commentar, Volume I, p. 822.
46 Geoffrey W. Bromiley, Op.Cit., p.976.
47 Ibid., p.976.
48 Ibid., p.976.
49 Theodore H. Epp, Op Cit., pp. 52-53.
50 Theodore H. Epp, Op.Cit., p.54.
51 Garry R. Collins, Christian Counselling, (Herts:Word Publishing, 1985), p. 191.
52 Geoffrey S. Bromiley, Op.Cit.,p.978.
53 John Stott, Op.Cit., p.269.
54 Garry R. Collins, Op.Cit.,
55 John Stott, Op.Cit., p.272.
56 Walter A. Elwell, Evangelical Dictionary of Theology, (Michigan: Baker Book House, 1987), p.932.
57 Guy Duty, Divorce and Remarriage, (Minneapolis, bethany Fellowship ink, 1967), p.112.
58 B.L. Woolf, Reformation Writing Of Martin Luther, (London:Lutten-south press, 1952), p.307.
59 Guy Duty, Divorce and Remarriage, OP.Cit., p.120, cited from A Compend Of Wesley’s Theology, (abingdon Press, 1954), p.238.
60 Ibid., p.37.
61 Guy Duty, Op.Cit., pp. 120-121 as cited from Spurgeon’s Popular Exposition of Matthew, (Zondervan), pp. 28, 159, 160.
62 John R. Martin, Op Cit., pp. 36-37.
63 Gerry R. Collins, Op.Cit., p. 199.
64 Ibid., p.978.
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